Kids all looking the same

Do you ever notice how sometimes kids look the same? During my practicum a group of girls sat at the back of the class and they all kinda looked alike, they were about the same height and had brown hair.

It wasn't until the second to last day that I realized I wasn't crazy: three of the girls were actually triplets. I think my mentor teacher should have warned me.

Fantastic facebook status

"________ just realized she's been walking around with 3 yams in her purse for 2 days."

Windsheild fluid

If you're driving down the road at night downtown, and your windshield is dirty, you shouldn't spray wiper fluid when it's below freezing. No, you definitely should not.

Just can't stop...

Remember the guy I absentmindedly called autistic and socially awkward? Anyway, one of my classmates sent out an e-mail in teacher jargon about a social activity she's arranging, and it seemed appropriate at the time to hit 'reply all' and write: "Ms. K, don't forget that Factoid has ADD (he really does!) so you might want to modify your lesson to keep him 'engaged' and prevent him from disrupting his classmates. Miss B." Good job Heidi, why not just make fun of him in front of your whole class for an issue he actually has?! Sigh. Lack of tact much?

As a sidenote, he responded (to all) in jest: "Wait, I don't think that attention defic... ooh, dinner's ready!"

Worst facebook status revisited

Okay, so back to the facebook status from the other day:

"Missing You My Honey Dips........aka My Yummy Tummy Hunny....MUAH"

What is a honey dip? Why the plural? Is he talking about a doughnut? Yummy tummy hunny? If a dude commented on me being a doughnut and talked about my tummy, he could talk himself out the door. "Slam!" Is it the rhyming that did it for him? Hmmm. Too much. Too sweet. Too weird. But it works for them and that makes me smile :)

Other dumb things to say

Tell a guy in your class who runs, that he would love to live at your house. In your mind you mean because of the running trails.

Awkward silence.

Enjoy the backpedalling.

How to offend a guy (# one million)

1) Make sure he's really smart and is helping you with math.
2) Bring him a cookie (perfect)
3) Offset cookie move by asking him (in all seriousness) if he is autistic
4) When he looks at you with shock, explain that you have a friend who is autistic and is just like him with remembering facts and dates
5) Explain further that your friend is sometimes socially awkward and doesn't get social cues
6) Wonder why he doesn't eat his cookie

PS Good luck getting math help in the future.

Worst facebook status

"Missing You My Honey Dips........aka My Yummy Tummy Hunny....MUAH"

Please pass the Pepto. Pronto.

How not to hold it together

This entry is the worst. THE WORST. It hurts to think about.
*As a warning, if you can't handle gross stuff, read no further.

Okay, so tonight I was working at the hotel. It was dead quiet, not even the music was playing. The office was vacant most of the night until Mr. Handsom Guy comes in to use the computer. Hello Mr. blue eyes, soft skinned, sporty, tall guy. Wicked. What luck?! He even initiated conversation. Nice, things were looking good for me. Notice the "were". After about 45 min, I really had to go to the washroom- we're talking number two. Eek. There was no way I could use the one in the office, because the office was so quiet and I didn't want him to hear anything. So I thought I would just hold it.

And hold it.

And hold it.

Finally, my stomach started to make weird gurgles and things became very uncomfortable. What to do?! What to do?! I couldn't hold it any longer. Do I go to the washroom and turn the fan on? No, then he'd hear it and know I was going #2. Not cool. Okay, well should I turn the tap on? No, that's just strange. Okay, so I guess I'll just go quietly.

Riiiight. After holding it for so long, there was no "quietly". Drat.

"Kerrrsplat! Rumble! Gurgle! Splat!"

Did that just seriously happen? I wanted to die. DIE! Oh wait... there's more...

"Tooot! Gurgle! Splat!"

By this point, I couldn't even hold anything back. Are you kidding me?! There's no way he missed that. Fuck. Kill me now. Kill. Me. Now.

After waiting in there a few minutes "just in case", as well as to gather myself, I flushed the toilet and started washing my hands. Oh no... it didn't all flush! Not cool. Not cool at all. Now what? Do I flush the toilet a second time? Then he would know it was a "double flusher". Fuck. But then, what if he had to use the washroom, then what?! My life is the worst right now. The worst. So I left it.

Quickly, I exited the bathroom and shut the door behind me so that the stink wouldn't get out. Awesome. Okay. I avoided eye contact and returned to the desk. Play it cool Heidi, play it cool.

Ten minutes later he got up, left his things by the desk, and went outside for something. I figured this was my chance! So I bolted up and ran for the bathroom so I could flush the toilet. Unfortunately this happened just as the guy poked his head back in the room to ask if it was okay if he left his stuff there. Perfect, he got to see me bolt for the bathroom. Probably looked like I was going for the sequel. Arg. Whatever. When he was out, I flushed and sprayed room spray. So lame. So lame. Sucky, sucky, sucky!

Wait... it gets better.

"Gurgle, gurgle." My stomach let me know that it was still not finished. Not cool. So not cool! Meanwhile the guy was back in the office. There's no way I could be the girl who craps again. So nasty. Okay... think fast. "GURGLE!" Fuck. "GURGLE, GURGLE, HEIDI!" Ack.

Then I had an "ahh ha" moment. I grabbed a key to a neighbouring room, and joked with Mr. Handsom Guy that I needed to go check on a room, and would he mind holding down the fort? Laughter. Awesome. I all but ran out of there.

Confession Tuesday: Joy of "mocklate"

Alright, so I'm a bit of a chocolate snob. I don't like the gross stuff- you know the waxy bunnies at Easter or the foil wrapped Santas that taste like can? Sigh. However, it's tradition that every year on December 1, I open a square cardboard flap from a gaudy looking box to reveal a "mocklate". It's usually flatish, moulded into a strange shape that doesn't resemble the picture, and tastes like sweetened cardboard. I eat the first five days worth and then chuck the others. It's tradition and brings out a bit of the kid in me. Cliche alert. Sigh. This year I won't be opening one.

Screw it, I think I'll upgrade and get a Lindt calendar tomorrow.

Muffin misconception

I hate when you bite into a chocolate chip muffin only to realize that it is actually a raisin muffin. Sick. I feel betrayed.

Is there such a thing as too much sugar?!

I just ate two chocolate bars in a row. Back to back. Now my body is alternating between freezing cold and burning hot. Yikes. I'm not going to lie... secretly I'm wondering if a third chocolate bar would reverse things or make them more interesting.

Or maybe it would kill me.

Note to self: lay off the sugar.

Another great facebook status

"Thanks for the moustache rash, stupid moustache. Hope you like life in the drain."

Best blogsite ever

http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/

Today's highlights

Spent time with Attitude for a bit of a road trip
We got Christmas decorations
Paid off some sick bills (courtesy of some shekels Gramps left me)
Painted a huge canvas
Whatever brought me a peppermint mocha (sweet)
Now I'm going to order from John's place
BREAD BREAD BREAD
Also lost two pounds

"Busting up a Starbucks"

Came across this crazy song by Mike Doughty. I kinda like it. "Nyack! Ronkonkoma!" everyone.

It will always be, the end of time

The end of law, the end of life

The dogs will howl and yank the leash

From tree to tree and from each to each

And does the man who makes the shoes own you, clown

You can't even pry the nameplate off, now can you?

Fix it with your tiny fist there

James Van Der Beek and them sisters from sister, sister

The only one that's ever felt this is you, the force that's forcing you

To feel like busting up a Starbucks

Busting up a Starbucks

Busting up a Starbucks

Busting up a Starbucks

This bitter drink, has made you drunk

The thoughts you think become unthunk

The sea's ablaze and the sky is too

The water's red and the flames are blue

And does the man who makes the shoes own you, clown

You can?t even pry the nameplate off, now can you?

Fix it with your tiny fist there up

James Van Der Beek and them sisters from sister, sister

The only one that's ever felt this is you, the force that's forcing you

To feel like busting up a Starbucks

Busting up a Starbucks

Busting up a Starbucks

Busting up a Starbucks

Nyack!

Ronkonkoma!

East Orange!

Piscataway!

Busting up a Starbucks

Busting up a Starbucks

Busting up a Starbucks

Fave facebook status

"Happy Rememberance Day"

Er... hmmm.

How to be cool on your first day of practicum

1) Make sure a bunch of the teachers don't even know you're coming
1.5) Go to the wrong room
2) Forget and accidentally introduce yourself to the kids by your first name
3) Spill yogurt down the front of your shirt at lunch time
4) Laugh when a kid gets chastised for doing something bad that was funny
5) Almost make a kid cry because you remembered everyone's name but hers
6) Run into a previous student you are incredibly proud of, then make sure tears well up and you cause a bit of a scene. Bonus points if someone offers you help.
7) Leave early, but forget to tell your mentor teacher that you were going to do so
8) Lose the key they gave you
9) Don't give the teachers the package that you were supposed to
10) Don't give them a specific date that you're coming back. Let them wonder.

How to be cool for real:
1) Bring three dozen doughnuts for the staff
2) Make jokes
3) Tell the librarian you think she's 10 years younger
4) Offer to do marking
5) Wear random monkey hat

Things to note on Friday Oct 30

1) Don't ask your university prof this: "Are you feeling okay today, because you look pretty bad?" In what realm is it okay to ask this?! Sigh. What was I thinking?

1.5) One of my regular baristas looks exactly like Edward Norton. Exactly. If you ever go to that SB, you'll know who I'm talking about. Norton is my all time fave actor. Top notch. Anyway, the barista and I were talking about what he could go as for Halloween. Obvs I suggested E. Norts. Cool Heidi, leave it at that. Nope, I had to go further. Too far in fact. I told him he should go shirtless and smear fake blood on his body so he could be the character from Fight Club. He could even carry around a bar of soap. "Hi, my name is Heidi, I'm a creeper and just recommended you take off your shirt." One, two, three: Awkward!

2) I need to clean out sketchy stuff from my fridge sooner. Shudder.

3) I gave notice to The Blouse. Partially it is because one lady brings out the "arg" in me, but mostly it's because I got more hours at the hotel.

4) I unscrewed my phone, did some stuff, screwed it back together, and loved it up big time with some Lysol. After charging it overnight, it works. Well, except for the number seven. Okay, and only half the screen works, which makes it fun to guess who called. Can I buy a vowel?

5) Freakin' Halloween candy.

Muffin hut love

Two things- okay to specify- two unrelated things:

1) I spotted Karl, yes thee Karl in the muffin hut at my university! I was so excited. I have such a crush on him. He's sooo pretty. Blush.

2) I don't know what to do with my toilet-phone. I never took it apart like I should have, to dry it out. Do I put it back on the charger anyway to see what happens? After Lysoling the heck out of it of course. Should I still open it up to see if it needs to dry? Sigh. My poor phone, where did we go wrong?

Favourite facebook status

"They say that you learn from your mistakes... that's a lie."

Waterlogged

So my phone officially doesn't work. If you tilt it back and forth, you can see the water swoosh behind the display screen. Wicked. Seriously, I can't believe I did that.

On another note... I have officially received news of my placement for my practicum! I get to work with beautiful grade eights at the same school I previously worked at. Hooray. It gets better, my mentor teacher is my favourite coworker. I can't even think of a good pseudonym for her that would aptly capture how fantastic she is. Seriously, this chick can do anything and her kids love her soooo much. If I could have any mentor teacher, I'm luckiest to have her.

Bought mini chocolate bars from Safeway. Halloween candy is seriously the devil. Mmmmm tasty.

Swish

This morning (being noon), I dropped my phone in the toilet just as it was flushing. This is not good. Fortunately it wasn't a cell phone so it couldn't get sucked all the way back, so I was able to reach in, pull it forward and up. It's currently drying out... not sure if it's going to work or not. Can we say "Lysol"?

Glad I didn't poop.

Freedom

Extra large triple triple

Don't judge

Yum

Sea of papers

Glare of computer

Friends

Upbeat music

Memories of a kiss

Penguin sweater

Freedom

Gertrude, not Gerty

I have an alter ego named Gertrude. She wakes up in the middle of the night panicked and tense, and cannot get back to bed sometimes for hours at a time. Usually she wears a puffy robe, crazy hair, and striped slippers that go halfway to her knee.

This year for Christmas I'm thinking of getting her fuzzy pink slippers to switch it up a little.

TGIF

Wow. Today has felt like the most "Friday" of Fridays. I'm so tired. But I've got some candles lit and am going to start on some (class) reading, isn't that what everyone does on the Friday of a long weekend?! I think I'm going to get a T-shirt that reads "So Cool" or maybe "Doing homework is sexy". How about: "Pick me, I'm fun!"

Fifteen more months to go.

I kill me

Today I took a leek. From my landlord's garden that is. Hah haha haha snort hahha.

I need more of a social life.

Through thick and thin

Lately I've been pretty preoccupied with crazy school, crazy work, and crazy whatever else. So distracted in fact, that this morning I ran into the screen on my sliding glass door. Fortunately I didn't bust it or anything, but honestly, who does that?! I felt like a knob. This is not what I pictured the teacher of tomorrow to look like. Ha.

Entitlement or obliviousness?

Today a granny budged in front of me in an ice cream line up. It was a full fledged barge. Another person's jaw dropped at the faux pas and waited for my reaction. I just laughed. Life is too short.

Lunch bags

Ink makes my lunches, snacks, and dinners because my time is so limited. I think I'm the luckiest sister ever :)

SNAP!

Fully got fartboxed in a change room at The Blouse. Didn't see it coming. A cute little lady ripped one, so when I opened the door after she left- WHAM! Like a punch to the nose. Hypothetical blood everywhere. Almost chundered. Shudder.

Can't believe I got fartboxed like that. Brutal.

Maybe I should do the boxing. Maybe I should save up a stinker, let it fester a bit, pull a motorcycle in a change room, and quickly shut the door to trap in the "flavour". Then KAPOW! Some poor sucker would get boxed. They'd never know it was me either.

Sigh... but that would be mean.

Stupid high road.

Dentist mindgames

I don't floss. Well, okay I do, but not that often and my dentist knows this. So I purposely make my appointments for weeks in advance so that I have time to floss a bunch of times. That way it seems like I do it more often. Scandelous. After the appointment I feel so guilty that I vow to floss everyday. It lasts about a week.

Funny facebook status for the day

Friend wrote:

"I blacked out within 45 minutes, and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as 'the karate kid'."

Gasoline anxiety

Procrastinating getting gasoline is not cool. You know it's bad when you're constantly monitoring the needle on the gas gauge, and praying you don't have to go up a hill. Additionally, efficient places to pull over are on the radar in case your car decides to play the "putt putt quit" game. Not a fan of that game. White knuckled driving. Also not a fan.

I should have purchased gasoline yesterday. However, I would have missed out on the adrenaline rush. Hmmm, I need to get out more.

Spiders for free

Six classes. Full time work. It's crazy. 15 more months until I'm a teacher. 45 min before I can go to bed.

Randomly cut myself some bangs. Someone said they look professional.

A zit on my cheek is not going away. This is not professional.

I dressed up as Spiderman for my nephew's fourth b-day party yesterday.

People keep bringing me food. Ink, Attitude, and Latina are the best. Thank you.

Caught three spiders on my spider traps. That reminds me, I should set out more.

Got flowers. Orange daisies.

Got chocolates. Purdys. They're already gone.

Got mail from Ontario.

Have taken up yoga. I'm the best at the corpse pose. It's my favourite.

Wedding with Attitude: Wingmen

Newlyweds are avid wingmen. Wing people. Wingy. Hmmm, I'll stop.

Flashback Memory Friday: Renegade rookies

I was thinking about my experiences donating blood. I've been doing it since I was 19. Whatever talked me into it.

One time I went in and there was some rookie nurse who took the needle out, but didn't apply enough pressure so blood started pouring out of my arm, onto my chair, and onto the floor. She freaked out, *walked away*, and called for help. Not good. I put pressure on it and waited as some older lady hurried over.

What the eff?
________________________________
As an aside, this is my only bad donor experience. And I've donated many times since.

How to negate any points built up

There was a day that really didn't feel like dressing professionally for work at The Blouse. So I called work to see if the head honcho was in or not. I figured that one of the girls could tell me covertly. Cool. What I didn't anticipate was the head honcho answering the phone. Shit. I paused, then hung up on my boss. Smooth, really smooth.

Super smooth except that Honcho pressed *69. Shit.

Gym poll update

Here are the poll results regarding whether or not people thought I'd go to the gym with Attitude at 5:30am (five times a week) up until the wedding:

18% of you said, "Are you kidding? No"
18% of you said, "She'll go, but not five days."
45% of you said, "Attitude will kick her ass, so yeah."
9% of you said, "She'll go for a while, then wuss out."
9% of you said, "She's determined and will go on her own accord."

First of all... I laughed at the candor of the 18% in the first category. You were wrong though. Ha. I'd like to thank the 9% who thought I'd go on my own accord. Ha. That probably wouldn't have happened. I'd have to say the 45% who thought I'd go because Attitude made me were right. My sister is scary. She made me lift weights too. I hate lifting weights. But you know what? They made my arms look amazing :)

Cheapskate Tuesday: "Youth"

Working at The Blouse, I've noticed that some women ask for their items to be non-taxable, even though it's clear that the items are not for someone under 15. It's comical.

For example, I had one lady come in and try on a matching suit jacket and skirt for about half an hour. Seriously, she spent forever posing in front of the mirror debating. It looked good I thought. She came to the till and asked for non-taxable because it was for her daughter. Riiiiiight, because the suit combos are oh so popular with the kids these days. Ha. Not to mention it is important for a mom to try on her child's suit for half an hour first. Hmmm.

It gets better. Another lady who was about 32ish came in with her 50ish year old mother to help her shop. The older lady was about a size large and the younger lady was about a size small. Anyway, the younger lady came to the till with two items of large clothing that the older lady had tried on. "Can I get these non-taxable please?" To which I replied, "For sure, how old are you?" Shocked, she looked up, "Ugghhhh, uhhhh eleven." I think I actually laughed out loud. I considered asking her which elementary school she went to, but I figured I'd bite my tongue on that one. Since when do 11 year olds wear fake eyelashes, acrylic nails, and learn how to do their make up perfectly? While she was still at the till, an eightish year old girl came up to the counter and addressed her as "Mom." It was priceless.

Why not spend the extra few bucks and save your integrity?

Heidi with a plumber crack?

I have fixed two toilets: one with ribbon from a royal blue, satin shirt (irrelevant detail, but the shirt is gorgeous!) and the second one with an elastic band.

Cultural differences with the Latino girls at work

In Canada, if you see a busty woman sitting at a desk doing her job, it is not appropriate to go behind her, put your hand down her shirt and touch her cleavage. Even if you are a 61 year old Hispanic woman. Even if you giggle while you do it. Nope, still not acceptable.

How to "Genuinely" have a good time

1) Show up to your friend's house for dinner.

2) Realize she accidentally threw her keys in the dumpster. Wicked.

3) Without knowing there is an audience, make sure your friend swears and says something about not wearing underwear.

4) Snicker, then tell her about the audience.

5) Ask audience members for coat hangers and flashlights.

6) Stand on the hood of the car laughing hysterically as the two of you pilfer through putrid trash.

7) Bingo! You found the keys under some discarded footwear and someone's kitchen leftovers. Wicked.

8) Enter building to switch over laundry.

9) All dryers are full so your friend empties a few. One of which has the biggest Hanes you've ever seen. HUGE.

10) Fold strange man's Hanes to the protests of your friend. (He's not there)

11) Later, when she goes down to get her laundry, he there and thinks she folded them. This makes it nice and awkward for her.

12) While she's gone, unpackage a whole thing of toilet paper in such a way that if one roll is removed, the whole thing will come down.

13) When your friend comes upstairs to tell you she ran into Big Underwear Man who thinks she folded his gonch, laugh at her. A lot.

14) When she accidentally topples the whole thing of toilet paper, laugh again. A lot.

Flashback Memory Friday: "I remember when..."

What does it mean when your favourite music is featured on 45 min of radio titled "flashback lunch"? Shit. Similarly, plaid flannel shirts are back in style in a huge way. I remember when they were popular the first time. Same with leggings. And royal blue. Don't get me started on vests and neon. Hahaha.

A B C D DD E

At The Gonch a middle aged lady asked me for either a 38B or 38C bra. Clearly she was more like a 32 B. Either that or she had some serious self esteem issues. Confused, I asked her if she was sure she needed at 38, because she looked more like a 32. She didn't know the difference between cup size and band size. How does this happen?! How long has she been wearing a bra that doesn't fit?!

For the record: cup size is the actual breast itself and is measured by a letter, and bandsize is the number of inches around the ribcage.

Random: Every woman's left breast is slightly larger. Some women's lefty is a whole cup size different. In this case, it's a good idea to fit a bra for that one and then stuff little righty with an enhancing pad. Most lingerie stores sell this pad or might have extras lying around, so you can just ask for one.

Conversation with a friend

Ooh, nice toenails! Did you get a pedicure?

No, I did them myself, thanks though :) I even added jewels.

Sweet! Soooo, how are things going with that guy?

Tee hee, pretty good. Just taking it easy. Nothing serious.

Awesome. Does he treat you well?

Yep.

Whatever happened to Lucky? Do you guys still talk or is it awkward?

Whoa, Lucky?! Well, I e-mailed him a few times and called. He said he'd call back, but hasn't yet.

Lame, that's kind of douchy.

Yeah, I think he's been busy though, he works a lot.

Too busy to do what he said he'd do?!

Yeah, he's been on a space ship for the last five months. I don't think the reception is very good up there.

Hmmm... isn't he a construction worker?

Yeah.

I hope he farts in his spacesuit.

Confession Tuesday: Bacon slut

I have a bacon problem. I'll eat crisp bacon, uncrisp bacon, and even burnt bacon. I love it. Not going to lie, I'll even eat it cold. Who does that?!

If I cook a kg of bacon (yeah I buy that much), I need a chaperon (usually Gosh) because I'll eat the whole thing. Twice now I've eaten a whole pound. It's terrible and completely not lady-like. The saddest part is that if I had more, I'd eat it too. Sigh... hence why I need a chaperon.

Zoom zoom

Sometime when I encounter different people I don't know, I like to make up stories about what their real lives are like or what they are doing that day.

Remember that girl at the gym who runs at an incline of 20 or something? You know, the one who could probably kick our butts in 2 minutes tops? Well Attitude and I thought maybe she was an assassin, or a cop, or a corrections officer. Why else would she need to be in such good shape? With another friend, we brainstormed that maybe she might be an exotic dancer and needs to keep the jiggle to a minimum. Or maybe she is the person who gets paid to test out the endurance or quality of the machines- ie she's trying to burn them out! Or maybe she's training for a 1/2 marathon. Perhaps she's super stressed and that's why she runs.

I think she's really a robot.

Fibre friends

Lets just say that its not cool to be stuck in rush hour, only to *just* make it to work and immediately get slammed with a rush. It's even less cool when you're working alone and holding diarrhea :) Shudder.

PS Fibre bars work.

Flashback Memory Friday: Personal Strip Show

I once went shopping for a shirt for Spreadsheet and was having some difficulty guessing his size in a particular shirt. Anyway, I asked one of the store guys which size he would wear and thought I'd figure it out from there. What I wasn't expecting was for the guy to whip off his shirt to try on the top for me. Chiseled abs, smooth skin, and firm pecks. BEST shopping experience ever!

Coffee with late-girl

There's a girl I meet for coffee sometimes, and every single time she is late. Every time. Arg. In an effort to not get so worked up about it, I play a game of guessing how late she's going to be. Bonus points if she's even later. This way, it almost seems disappointing if she's on time.

___________________________
CREEPY! Mid-blog, this girl walked into the Starbucks I'm at and said, "Hi."

Things not to say to a heavier customer

A bigger lady came into The Blouse to try on some skirts. The size she grabbed from the rack was definitely going to be too small- aka she probably couldn't even do it up. I've learned that this is probably where I should have left the customer to discover that on her own. Yep. I probably shouldn't have said, "That size probably won't fit, so if you need a bigger one, just let me know." Whoops. Realizing my faux pas, I tried to recover by saying I could also bring a smaller one... but it was obviously too late. She was not too impressed.

I should have applied for jobs digging ditches, I'm good at that. Especially deep ones.

Cheapskate Tuesday: Cookie monster

If you ever get a craving for cookies (cough Gosh cough) and you don't feel like shelling out for a whole box, just go to the blood donor clinic. Don't like needles? Meh, you don't even need to get one to get cookies.

Just show up, go straight to the table with the cookies, grab a pack and then go back to the line-up by the desk. They are okay with this because it's important to have appropriate blood sugar levels. Just doing your job (heh heh). Then when you get to the front of the line, someone will prick your finger and make sure your blood has enough iron (it's only a prick and the Peak Frenes are worth it). After that you fill out some form. Munch munch. Then another lady will ask you a bunch of strange questions ie: "Have you ever had sex with a man who has had sex with a man prior to 1979?" Apparently 1980 is in the clear?! "Have you ever traded sex for money or drugs?" I guess trading sex for a car is in the clear. "Have you ever travelled to Mexico?"

Bingo! Mexico is your out. Tell them you're not entirely sure where in Mexico you went. The lady will inform you that because you *could* have been exposed to the swine flu, you won't be able to donate blood for a year. Convey shock and disappointment. She'll feel bad and insist you have cookies anyway before you leave. In fact, she'll give you two packs of them and offer you juice.

Enjoy. Laugh at the other suckers who have to give blood to get cookies. Walk out with Fudgee-os in your purse.
___________________________
As an aside, I'm a regular(ish) blood donor and it's great. It doesn't hurt at all and it's an awesome way to help others in the community. When Hurricane Katrina hit, Canadian Blood Services was able to ship out a bunch of our blood to people who needed it there. How cool is that? Go check it out :)

Things not to say

Sometimes going shopping for clothes with guy friends is fun. However, after you say, "Hey that shirt looks good because it hides your fat really well," the back pedaling is not so fun.

New rules for being cool

Weird things happen at the pool. It's as if all the rules are backwards. For example: bikini's are lame and cool guys wear Speedos. I'm not making this up. In the change room you're kind of a wuss if you don't shower naked in front of the other women. The older chicks there will have long conversations with who knows what flopping around. I've probably seen waaaay too much. Despite the pressure, Attitude and I made a pact from the beginning to be the weird ones who shower with our bathing suits on. And I'm okay with that.

Once when she wasn't there, I showered in the buff just to check it out, but it was too strange. I felt like I was on display in the centre of a stadium. Maybe if I had a couple drinks first it wouldn't see so bad; However, considering we meet at 5:30 am, this probably isn't so cool.

Pavlov and his dog

My landlords are from India and every so often they come downstairs with some of the best Indian food ever. Best ever. So each day at around 4-6 pm I get really excited that they might bring pakoras or curry. Total Pavlovian response: I actually start salivating in anticipation. I'm salivating right now! Crazy science.

Sometimes I think of Russel Peters when they bring food down. I wonder if I could get the man to say, "Somebody's going to get hurt real bad." Tee hee.

Attitude and Heidi: The welcome wagon crew

There are two new hot guys at the pool. One wears red and the other wears black. We like their yummy muscular backs and thighs. We approve and may or may not swim faster when they enter the pool.

We also busted one of the female lifeguards checking them out. We called her on it. Tee hee.

Not much of a church secretary

Sometimes I like to spice it up and push some boundaries. I've always been like that. I did this when applying for a position as a church secretary. Halfway down my list of work experience on my resume I inserted: "2006-2007 Narcotic's Distributor. Specialized in cocaine sales and marketing. Excellent people skills and self motivation." Something like this anyway.

You might be rolling your eyes right now, but I got a call back. The interviewer thought it was pretty funny. Unfortunately though I didn't want to work as a secretary for longer than the summer, so I didn't get the job, but it had nothing to do with my resume. Crazy eh?

How to make money off of being single

Ever wonder how to get involved in a money scam? One that doesn't involve e-mailing people about Viagra? Let me help. First of all, you need to be single and complain to some friends a bit. They will work hard to try and encourage you and assure you that you are amazing and will find someone. This is where you have to act fast.

Bet them $50 (or more) that you won't find someone before you're 'x' years old. This forces them to put their money where their mouth is. Bam! You got 'em. They can't very well refuse or they're admitting that they think you're a single loser with no hope. So shed a tear, make some bets, and when age 'x' comes and you're not married, you can take yourself on a trip. I'm thinking somewhere with a beach. However if you do find someone special, you can get married *after* age 'x' and use the money from your bets to pay for your honeymoon.

Good work.

Cheapskate Tuesday: Let them eat cake

Ever wonder how to save money on groceries without having to bother with a garden? Simple: be broke. Yep, just don't have money, then one morning you will open up your mailbox to find that someone (or some people) care about you enough to leave a stack of grocery cards, and a gas card.

I may or may not have bought a piece of cake with it.

Dyslexia

Lame. Sometimes when I'm tired or nervous (or tipsy), I mix up my words. There was one point during my resume-handing-out adventures that an employer asked me if I was looking for part time or full time employment. I said, "Fart time."

I didn't get a call back.

Bitching about bitching

Another thing that irked me when I was job hunting, was hearing people complain about their jobs. At least they had one. At least they had some sort of income. At least they didn't have to freak out about gas and groceries.

Heh heh, now a few months later I complain about my jobs too. I wonder if there are any unemployed people hating my guts right now.

Too much info

How could I forget to blog about the super sweet lame move I made while handing out resumes?! Okay, pause. First let me explain how desperate I was to get a job. I wrote a cover letter, used coloured paper, coloured ink, and a butterfly hole punch to cut through all three sheets of paper. I slowly built up to this. At first it was just a regular resume and a cover letter. I digress.

One of the days that I was at my resume factory (aka my living room), I came across some fantastic literature about divorce-proofing marriages. There was a brilliant bit in there that had something to do with wild bears attacking. In context, it made more sense. Anyway, I printed off a copy of the article to give to five married couples I know. Awesome.

However, I accidentally ended up stapling a copy to one of my resumes. I didn't realize this until the next day after they had been handed out. Not so awesome. Probably cancelled out my claim to have "attention to detail." Shit.

Fartboxing

The other day I was working at The Gonch where a middle aged lady was trying on bras. Cool. I found more of them that she might like and brought them to her change room. As I knocked on the door, I noticed it smelled a little nasty. Maybe someone farted and walked away. Nope. When the lady opened her change room door- BAM!- I got punched in the face by the most putrid smell. I'm not kidding, this lady was foul. I almost died. Okay, I didn't almost die, but I did nearly vomit. I've got a weak stomach when it comes to raunchy odors.

Fartboxing: The act of passing gas in an enclosed area and exposing some unfortunate (and usually unsuspecting) person to the toxic fumes.

Emo post

I was thinking of getting a breast reduction; then maybe guys would get to know me for who I am instead of what I carry around. Maybe they would discover that I'm actually intelligent, serious, thoughtful, and deliberate.

Lost in cultural "norms"

Working with the latino ladies at the hotel has been interesting, not just understanding one another, but communicating in other ways. As a bit of background, the ladies have been working there for about 20 years and trained me when I worked as a housekeeper at 19. Wow.

While we were waiting in the lobby, here's how a conversation went:

Ju juiced to be so pree.

I used to be so pretty?

Jess, ju ahh juiced to be ahh skeeny.

I used to be so skinny?

Ja, wha ahh appen ju?

What happened to me?! [shock/horror]

Jess, ju ee tuah mush?

No, I don't eat too much, maybe I have too much Starbucks and chocolate though.

Jess, ju ee tuah mush ahh da sucre.


Wow.

Lost in translation

Has anyone seen the movie, "Lost in Translation"? If you haven't, don't- it's horrible. Anyway, this post has nothing to do with that movie.

At the hotel I clean with three older ladies from Ecuador. It's a lot like having three moms. One day one of them told me "Jews penis all." Er... what? "JEWS PENIS ALL!" Whoa, is she going all angry racist on me? Awkward. "PENIS ALL! PE-NIS ALL!"

Then she handed me a bottle of Pinesol and a rag. Use Pinesol. Got it.

Baby's got back

Not sure how I forgot to post this one earlier. It's a gooder.

My first day of training at The Gonch was intriguing. For starters, the manager wasn't there and no one else knew I was coming, therefore, I did my own thing. Fortunately I'm a lingerie guru (ish) and was already familiar with their store and product (cough cough, not that I shop there lots, cough). My first customer was a cute little old Asian lady, who was looking for a sexy outfit. No probs. Fun housecoat? Check. Stockings? Check. Garter belt? Def check. A slap on my butt? No check. That's an anti check actually. What the heck?! Awkward.

My second day of training went better.

Best facebook status of the day

"She thinks she's 'all that and a bag of Skittles', but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow."

Age shmage, ass shmass

So, turns out there is something to that whole "your metabolism slows down as you get older" crap. Lame. Not a big fan of getting up at 5, working out for an hour and a half five times a week, only to see little, if any results. I took my measurements and weight before I started, and I'm actually heavier and bigger. Arg.

I ate ice cream and was grouchy about this discovery. I know there's the whole "muscle weighs more than fat" thing, but this still doesn't account for why my measurements are all higher.

Options:
1) Scrap the whole thing and resolve to eating ice cream every day and feeling sorry for myself (most tempting option I might add)
2) Pick up an eating disorder (cheap and easy)
3) Get a personal trainer and/or diet coach (kind of ridiculous and er... not sure my minimum wage job at The Gonch is going to support this)
4) Take up smoking, drink weird diet teas, and consume that green guck that is supposed to help a person lose weight (ick, ick, and ick)
5) Suck it up, keep doing what I'm doing, and hopefully I'll see results soon... maybe even curb the treats a little more (sigh)

Seeing double

I see so many breasts a day at The Gonch, it's ridiculous. Old ones, young ones, big ones, saggy ones- whoa how Dr. Seuss did that sound? Seriously though, sooooo many of them. I'm sure if someone streaked across the park or my landlady answered her door topless, I wouldn't even notice.

I wish I helped with men's underwear. (Okay, maybe I don't, it just seemed like the funny thing to say. Can you imagine how many creepers you'd get as a woman at a men's undie store? Ick.)

How to travel poorly on a ferry

1) Rush directly from work, to home, to your sister's truck (Attitude), to the ferry.
2) Leave yourself only an hour for all of this.
3) Try it on a Saturday in the summer.
4) Forget your purse and turn back.
5) Get in the line-up with the slowest cashier and watch people zoom by you in the neighbouring line.
6) Realize you'll pee your pants if you don't use the washroom stat.
7) Before boarding, lock yourself in a bathroom stall with a door that jams.
8) While wrangling with the door, it should snap open and hit you. Awesome.
9) Realize that *everyone* boarded already and you need to run.
10) Congrats, you barely made it. Hungry, go up a deck and realize that it is not the ferry with the cafeteria on that floor. Lame.
11) Return at snail speed to the previous deck amid a sea of wanderers. Hopefully a kid should be screaming.
12) Renew your vow not to have children.
13) Inch your way to the caf. The line is huge and outweighs your urge to eat. Say no to yam fries.
14) Shuffle back to the deck above (arg) to get some peace and quiet.
15) Suckah! It's already full. Sit next to some scary guy.
16) It's loud, so put on your MP3 player.
17) Suckah! Batteries are dead.
18) Resort to journaling.
19) Heh heh... too bad your left your *favourite* pen at work, which also happens to be your only pen.
20) Ask the scary guy to borrow an extra pen. After you ask, you should notice that he's chewing the end of his. Gross. Talk yourself into believing that that is the only pen he chews. The one he gives you, he doesn't... right?
21) Maybe not. The pencil he gives you is sticky, and not just a little bit.
22) After trying to relax, a group of preteen girls sit both beside you and behind you. Awesome.
23) The one right beside you smells like urine and keeps bumping your seat to turn around and talk to her friends.
24) The girls screech and squeal in gossipy delight.
25) Try not to hate your life.

Whoa... what happened?

Practically overnight, I went from having endless time to myself to wondering how it became July already.

1) I work at the hotel (perfect example of why you should never say never). Mostly I just cover everyone's holidays.
2) I also work at a lingerie store that I'll call, "The Gonch". It's wicked and I rock the sales. Big time. There are def some blogworthy stories coming out of this experience. Ha!
3) In case two jobs aren't enough... I've got a third one selling clothes. I'm good at it too. Truth be told, I think I'm the manager's pet. I think I'll call the store: "The Blouse".

So if you were wondering why I haven't written a blog in a long time, that's why. On the positive side, my kitchen is clean because I'm never there :)

The treats I crave the most :)

1) Chocolate cake from Thrifty's
2) Chocolate cheesecake from Thrifty's
3) Cheese buns from Thrifty's



4) Double chocolate cookies from Safeway
5) Homemade cookies that I make
6) DQ Blizzards (either Georgia mudfudge or chocolate extreme with Reece's Peanut Butter Cups instead of brownie chunks)
7) DQ onion rings. LARGE.
8) Island Farms Moosetracks ice cream with Reece's chocolate hardening sauce
9) Purdy's English toffee. Mmmmm.
10) Starbucks java chip frap with peppermint and extra mocha (no whip)
11) Rogers chocolates- the ones that are square with caramel and almonds covered in dark chocolate. Mmmm.
12) Oh yeah, Thrifty's butter tarts. Okay, confession time- I just ate two of them.
13) Silk chocolate soy milk (actually tastes better than regular chocolate milk because there is more cocoa)
14) Pringles (comes in phases)
15) Peanut butter chocolate ice cream from Baskin Robbins
16) Beautiful shanty shack granitas from Washington. LOVE them. More than Starbucks fraps actually.
17) Strawberry margaritas
18) Red Lobster coconut shrimp with that pineapple sauce.
19) Olive Garden Alfredo sauce. I'm pretty sure I could drink that stuff.
20) Movie theatre popcorn with extra butter- bring it on!

I just ate another butter tart. Washed it down with some chocolate milk. I have a feeling tomorrow is going to be a gut rot day. Shudder.

Flashback Memory Friday: Clifford the little red dog

Did you ever read the Clifford, The Big Red Dog books as a kid? I always thought it would be wicked cool to have Clifford as my own protector and friend. Can you imagine how comfortable it would be to snuggle with him or ride on his back?! I would have run away from my brother and sister. Latina followed me everywhere and it was so not cool.

I thought it would be a good idea to dye my shih-tzu with a box of red Loreal from the drug store. Turns out it's not the same. Plus, I got reamed out big time. We're talking huge. Also, because it takes a super long time to wash out, I got lectured for weeks.

Stupid Clifford.

Maybe Harper could give me a new-business grant?

So, I've got a new business idea. It involves me selling iced tea in a bikini. Seriously, I could brew up some flavoured teas the night before, and then cart them in a cooler to wherever. Tips welcome. However, I'd have to switch locations often to avoid getting in trouble.

I just thought of some vulgar company names. I think I'll keep them to myself.

Sigh. Pout. Sigh.

Making the world a better place by being unemployed

If I were employed, I wouldn't have been driving the Pat Bay in the middle of the day. I wouldn't be with my sister on her day off. I wouldn't have seen the two punk-ass kids who were driving like idiots, and pretending to shoot people when they drove by. Honestly, what were they thinking? Do they believe they are gangster rapper types who live somewhere other than a retirement town?! Looked like scrawny white brats to me. Hmmmph!

I called the cops on them. Yep, sure did. We had to follow them for a bit (how action movie is that?!) and tell the officer on the phone where they were heading. From here, another cop could catch up with them.

Heh heh, suckahs got a ticket.

Again, making the world (or at least the Pat Bay Highway) a better place.

Cheapskate Tuesday: Grocery shopping on a budget

Oh my goodness! I think this is the most lucrative Cheapskate Tuesday in a long time. Seriously, stealing straws from Starbucks is small potatoes in comparison.

First: Make sure to invite a person from out of town to stay with you.

Second: On the way back from picking him or her up, suggest stopping at the grocery store to get supplies.

Third: Upon parking, "realize" you forgot your wallet (true story). Suggest driving home to get it.

Fourth: If the previous three steps were done correctly (aka convincingly), your guest will be grateful you picked him or her up and will offer to buy groceries as a thank-you for letting him or her stay with you.

Bingo! Go ahead, put that prime rib in the basket. Do it. While your at it, pick out some flowers.

One slice or two, of humble pie?

I officially applied to CDN Tire, Timmies, Safeway, the Dollar Store, and even the Bottle Depot.

Now I am going to drink.

Freezer goodies

Hypothetically, if you look in your freezer and see a gingerbread man in a Ziploc, but you didn't put it there and have no idea where it came from, you probably shouldn't eat it. It likely tastes freezer burnt and will make you feel weird.

Main players at the gym

I'd like to say, that Attitude and I have officially been going to the gym for three weeks. Whoa. In that time we've met some interesting people...

1) The Asian lady who beats the shit out of herself. She can be found mainly in the pool, and sometimes likes to whack herself repeatedly in the shoulders with water weights. We are not sure why she does this. Also, Attitude wasn't paying attention once and ran her over in the leisure lane.

2) Speedy. This is an old lady who hauls sass in the swimming department. We admire her health, but secretly resent her for using the leisure lane instead of the moderate or fast lane.

3) The Nice Lady. She is a regular in the pool and we miss her when she's not there. Warm smile.

4) Alex. He was the first person we met and sometimes he goes red when we talk to him.

5) The Cool Cookie Lady. She works there and is cool and likes to listen to good music and bumps it up. We brought her cookies. We like her.

6) Cranky Purple Shirt Lady. She doesn't like us because she thinks Attitude told her she sucks. Attitude tried to clarify, but to no avail. She also tries to smile at her, but Cranky Purple Shirt Lady shirks her efforts. I think the whole thing is comical.

7) Loraine. Kind of crazy. Usually works out wearing a visor. She says I have a nice figure and British peaches and cream skin. This kind of makes me uncomfortable.

8) Pam-o-rama. I have not actually met her, but she told Attitude that she lost a hundred pounds or something. We think she's cool.

9) Fight Club. This chick is amazing. She runs on the treadmill for an hour and a half at like an incline of 10 or something. Sweats right through her whole t-shirt. Everyday. She looks like a girl next door, but she's tough shit and scares us. I don't talk to her and try to avoid eye contact. Secretly I wonder if she is a secret agent. We agree that she probably kicks peoples asses for a living.

10) Old Spice. He is a younger blond guy with shaggy hair who wears a litre of old spice. He works out regularly and means well.

11) Zoop! This is a young guy who is sinewy and tries too hard. Attitude saw him struggling to keep up on the treadmill because he was overdoing it. He went Zoop! off the back and then quit. We're not sure what he's trying to prove.

Flashback Memory Friday: Who knew crows were picky?

In grade 12, Whatever and I had the opportunity to house-sit a beautiful home in Skutz Falls (aka the middle of forested nowhere). It was gorgeous.

This was pretty much our first time being out of our parents' houses. We were oh so grown up. One night Whatever was out late and I thought I'd make her pizza for when she got home. Pizza's pretty easy right? Just slap together some toppings and toss it in the oven, yeah?

Here's what I did:
-Put premade crust on tray
-Topped crust with a touch of tomatoe sauce, some ham, and some pineapple
-Added preshredded mozza cheese. Cheesy pizza is the best right, so I just put the whole bag on there. (The bag may have been 1kg)
-Put in the oven on the top shelf
-Turned the temp up to broil and let cook for 40 minutes

Turns out I burnt the shit out of it. The smoke literally poured out of the oven. Charcoal my friends, charcoal. Even when I scraped the black off the top, it was still rough. It tasted like nasty campfire. Poor Whatever tried to show her appreciation for my "cooking" but couldn't eat it. The next day, her mom came over with some foster kids and the kids wouldn't eat it. So they brought the pizza for the dog. The dog wouldn't eat it. Finally, she threw bits of pizza on the lawn for the crows. Alas, the crows would not touch it and the pieces eventually became waterlogged and mouldy. Sigh.

Top facebook status: Pets

"Don't sweat the petty, pet the sweaty."

Ha.

Indication of sleep deprivation

Okay, so getting up at 4:58 am to work out with attiudte has not been a problem . Surrpising eh? howver, the probme.s is that that I crash at about 11am and want to die. Soooo tired. This week I thought I'd forcem yself to stay awakd anyway so that I'd keep a sleep scjhedurle. Excellent idea,, however I did,t get to bed any earlidr so not only did I not *catch* up on sleep, but I fell furnther and furhtndr behind. Sucky. Fortuanately Cofee has helpde me out... but probaly not ehough. Shit. Next week my goal is got to be getting eight hours of sleep a night. :) Also nociticed that I accidentally posted two entries on not sharing cookeis with Gosh. Wow, that's rough.

Cheapskate Tuesday: The last straw

I went to Starbucks and they were out of venti straws. I didn't mention anything about the 20 venti straws that I have on the counter at home. Not going to lie, I felt a pang of guilt.

Just a pang though.

Slang slung me

Today I learned that some words shortened to slang are already slang for something else. Sometimes these things are inappropriate. Sometimes, you might want to shout your "new" slang to your sister who is across the pool. She might look at you funny and shake your head, so you might say it again because you think she didn't hear you.

Afterward, she might tell you what "your" slang really means, and you might feel like a pervert. Way to earn the title of "Creepy Pool Lady."

Want a cookie? PSYCH!

I made three dozen peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. I brought some to the gym for the super cool receptionist, gave some to Attitude and Ink, and made up a plate for the baristas at the Starbucks I usually go to. Awesome. Then I ate a few. Yum. I called up Mocha to give her some, but she was busy. I ate a few more. I know Gosh likes cookies, so I called and left a message saying I had some cookies for him.

By the time he called back I had eaten all but one. I felt so sick. What a dirt bag.

Flashback Memory Friday: Long hair

In high school my hair was really long. One night in particular, I was more aggravated than most because my hair kept sweeping across my back and chest every time I turned over. It tickled my skin and woke me up. I hate being woken up.

Then in a daze, I realized that I had cut my hair months prior and there was no way my hair could reach my ears, never mind my shoulders. EEK!! I looked down to see a massive wolf spider crawl over my chest. FACK! Instinctively, I grabbed it with my hand and flung it across the room. Then I danced around swearing with my arms flapping around. Quite the production, I'm sure. Trauma.

Wide awake, I put on a hundred layers of clothing, my touque, and tucked my joggers into my socks. Did I mention my sweet turtleneck? I didn't know where the spider was and I wasn't going to risk it touching my skin again. Nasty. However, after hunting around for a while, I found it squished and bent like a pretzel on the other side of my room. I guess in my freight I mushed him. Shudder. Double shudder.

I'm a dirt bag

I phoned Gosh to see if he wanted some freshly baked, peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies. He wasn't home, so I left a message. However, by the time he called back, I had eaten them all.

Signs you should throw your chops away

1) You forgot they were even in the fridge.
2) The current date is two days past the best before date.
3) The package leaked, so it's sticking to the bag (good thing you kept it in the bag btw- you're awesome).
4) When you look closer, you notice they are kinda discoloured. Hmmmm.
5) You call your sister (hypothetically her name is Latina) and she asks you when you bought them, but you can't remember. She thinks you should toss them.
6) You then decide to call your step dad to see what he would do. He asks you if they smell. They do. He thinks you should also chuck them.
7) When you put them in the oven anyway (they were expensive after all and hypothetically you might not have a job) they get progressively stinkier and soon your whole kitchen reeks.
8) You go to throw them out because they are sketchy and you don't trust them, and they smell so bad that your stomach turns and you hold back mad chunder.

Moral of the story: Cook your food on time, or at least put it in the freezer before it turns funky colours and gets stinky.

Cheapskate Tuesday: How to get a *free* personal trainer to pay *you* to go to the gym

Back fat, leg cheese, and turkey neck = not cool. They're even less cool when you're going to be a maid of honour for your sister's wedding. Shudder. After seeing the pictures from Whatever's wedding that I was in last summer, I vowed not to look like that again. Double shudder.

It turns out that there is 89 days until my sister Attitude and her husband Ink get married. Attitude also wants to get her sexy on for the wedding, so for a bridal party gift, she gave me a pass to the rec centers so we can workout together. Awesome! How cool is that? A free three month membership which includes fitness rooms, classes, and the pools at any Victoria rec center. Killer.

So did you catch that? Step 1, agree to be in a wedding.

Step 2, make sure you're meeting a hardcore person who will call you if you show up a minute late (literally will call), who will make sure you do your stretches, will make you lift weights even though you don't want to, and will make you do that plank thing that feels a bit like death.

I feel like a pretzel. But... I feel like a pretzel for free. Plus, I'm going to look killer in my dress. Bring on the 5:15 am alarm clock! Gulp.

Drop-by Correlation Theory

Usually I keep my house in fantastic condition. I hate dirty dishes. Gross. Also, clutter stresses me out and I like knowing where everything is. However, I've noticed that the more time I spend unemployed and around the house, the less motivated I am to clean. It's only me, right? Subconsciously, I went on a dish strike and actually ran out of forks and bowls. This hasn't happened to me since my first years of university aka "the slob years". So I ate off of a china plate with a spoon and used a bread knife to cut my tomatoes.

Yesterday was when I formulated the 'Drop-by Correlation Theory'. The messier my house is, the more random 'drop by' visits I get from family, friends, and my landlords. Not cool. Jenga-esq garbage cans, baskets of laundry, and refugee-style decor are not conducive to the image I want to project.

Shit.

So I went crazy Molly Maid style on my suite. Not going to lie, it looks pretty good. While I was at it, I cleaned my car. With a toothbrush. I figured I haven't had long hair for a year, so the foot and a half long hairs needed to go. As did the spilled coffee, the beach sand from last August, and the melted blue crayon my nephew crushed on the back mat. The outside was so bad that when I washed it the first time (that's right, I had to do it twice), the suds were green. Not brown, green. Shudder. It was the first time I ever washed my own car. Wow.

Now, perhaps no one will drop by to see my clean house or need a ride in my sparkly car, but on the positive side, I won't have to sniff my laundry to decipher what to wear :)

Miss Fancy Pants and her horse

If someone asked me if I am a prideful person, I would say, "No." If someone asked me if I believe a person's job can add or subtract from his or her worth or "value", I would say, "No."

Recently, I've discovered that perhaps I'm not as humble and open minded as I thought. After venting about the six million resumes I've handed out, the interviews I've fake smiled for, and the "thanks for the interview" cards that I've sent, a friend asked if I've applied to places like Tim Hortons yet. I paused. Speechless. Me? Work there?! This is when I realized that maybe I'm a bit of a dirt bag. I have two degrees, excellent work experience, and am 27- I shouldn't have to work there! What the eff?! Doesn't Miss Fancy Pants have bills to pay? Shouldn't she be saving for school in September? Does she have some sort of other plan? Turning tricks is not a plan. Selling drugs... not so much either. Perhaps Miss Fancy pants should get off her high horse, suck it up, and apply to a job that is not her first choice.

Would you like fries with that?

Top facebook status this week

This status entry is written by the same guy as last week.

"If you could channel this insane talent for stalking, you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitored, and tagged within five days."

Flashback memory Friday: Driving a science project

I don't wash my car. I don't like the act of actually washing it and I'm too cheap to go through a car wash, especially when it's just going to get dirty anyway.

Last year creepy green stuff started growing on it. Ew. At the high school where I worked, we put some of this guck on a slide and looked at it under a microscope. It was algae and had creepy microscopic dudes swimming around. Shudder. So I probably washed it right? Nope. At some point, Attitude wrote a cute message on my back window in erasable pen. When it started coming off, I probably washed it right? Nope. How about when Mocha spilled half a blizzard over the passenger door and back of the car? Nope. Definitely I must have washed it when there were like 20 bird craps on it! Not so much, besides the rain fades all that stuff. Wow.

In the years that I've had my car, I only had the car washed once by some kids for a fundraiser. Poor suckers. My brother washed it another time as a Christmas gift, and when I went to Calgary, my landlord washed it while I was away. That's pretty bad.

If you guys ever wonder what to get me for a gift (because I'm sure that's on your minds), either flowers or a car wash is great.

Ways to make applying for jobs more interesting

-Don't eat first, this will make you light headed, kinda dizzy, and a bit irritable for dropping off resumes.
-On a hot day wear a shirt that makes you sweat profusely. Underarm cresents show confidence and endurance right?
-The next time you drop off more resumes to other places, learn from the last point and wear a tank top. When the rain and wind pick up, you will show another kind of confidence. Good for you.
-Forget where you parked. Who needs to know street names anyway?
-Coffee jitters. Awesome. You're not an addict, really.
-Lust after handsome guy and realize you didn't actually listen to what he was saying.
-Cute shoes are a must, especially if you haven't worn them much and want to practice your tough-girl-ignoring-her-painful-blisters walk. You never know when that will come in handy.
-Realize you've been wearing your honkin', ugly, men's running watch the whole time.
-Don't write everything down, you'll remember the person's name. Oh wait, maybe you won't, but this does make it more interesting thinking of what you *could* call people. She really looked like more of a Megan anyway. Megan, Jenifer, whatever.

Negative shmegative

Stupid job hunt. Stupid resumes. Stupid waiting for phone calls after stupid interviews. Stupid people complaining all the time. Grrrr!

Hmmm... wait a minute.

Lately I've noticed how annoying it is when people bitch all the time or speak negatively about other people. Then I noticed that I could probably shape up in this regard. For example, maybe I could quit complaining about not having a job or tone down the swearing when idiot drivers make ridiculous decisions- like when that lady made a left turn while texting on her cellphone. Her kid was in the backseat. I wanted to smack her and stomp her cellphone (I didn't though ;)).

Realistically, life is pretty good. Even with hard times or frustrating circumstances, there's always a positive spin that can be put on things. So what if I've averaged 4 hours sleep a night for the last four nights- I've had the opportunity to work out at the gym and spend time with my sister Attitude. Besides, it makes me appreciate and enjoy my coffee so much more *and* I'm going to be in awesome shape! Bring on the five am baby yeah!

Cheapskate Tuesday: Starbucks double feature

At Starbucks, I bought a sweet cold beverage cup, which is perfect for my tasty hazelnut iced coffee. It is double insulated so that the drink stays cold longer (woot) and is good for recycling (woot). Also cool, Starbucks subtracts 10 cents each time you use a personal cup. 10 cents, big deal right? I think it works out to about a free drink every month and a halfish. Nice.

Also... I may or may not steal straws from Starbucks so that I can use them for my protein shakes. Scandalous! To be fair though, I did check the grocery store first.

Ralk out

Running. I used to be able to run 10km without much trouble, so I thought I’d get back into it and run the 4km trail by my house. Piece of cake right? Sure, if cake ran for only 4.5 minutes, wheezed, slipped in mud, and fell face first into dog crap. Okay, that didn’t actually happen, but it might as well have. I thought I was going to die. Needless to say I’m a long way from running a half marathon in October.
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New word: Ralk. Means alternating walking and running.

Another one bites the dust

I couldn't do it. Lizard guy and I were supposed to play pool, but the more I thought about it, the more it grossed me out. Not him, his pet lizard. What if before he came to play pool, he touched his reptile? Then lizard germs would be on the pool cue and pool balls. Ew. Then what if at some point we ended up dating and he ran his hands through my hair? Lizard hair, no thanks. Worse yet, what if he went to kiss me and put his hand on my cheek?! Shudder. Couldn't do it. Think about it, we'd never be able to share fries together because of his nasty bearded dragon cudies. While I was trying to think of reasons to back out, he said he was sick and maybe another time would be better. Never thought I'd be so happy to hear someone was ill.

Top facebook status of the day

Hot artist friend of mine: "Seriously iPhone, stop autocorrecting all my 'fucks' into 'ducks'. You're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable."

My life is rarely boring

Pouring rain
Stranded cars with keys inside
Anything to justify chocolate and mint
2am pancakes
Friends
Arteries
A man fighting publicly with his mistress
The vacuum drowning out your voice
The lemon spider at our feet
The cost of it all
Birds chirp
And the sun rises
My ringers are off
Get more yogurt

Cna yuo raed tihs?

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm..Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Confession Tuesday: folding clothes

Sometimes I use a cutting board to fold my t-shirts so they are all even.

"Awk-ward." One more time: awk-ward

Okay, so there’s this guy. He used to be my barista over a year ago (no, not my beloved Karl) and I saw him often. Pretty cool guy. Not interested. He was ridiculously tall, with horse teeth, and an unhealthy complexion. However, when seeing someone so often, we got to know each other and hung out a few times. Cool, more friends the merrier! He gave me free drinks, sweet. Anyway, February came around and I organized a singles’ Valentines shindig (freakin’ awesome!) and when I created a facebook group for it, I added him to the invite list. Why not?

Well turns out barista buddy got the wrong idea. He sent me a message saying he was “flattered”, but that he was in a relationship and didn’t think it was appropriate to spend Valentines with me, but that he hoped we could still be friends. WTF?! Are you kidding me? Buddy, get over yourself. Anyway, that was over year ago. I had written him back to clarify that I was completely not interested (tactfully, I left out the part about the teeth), but didn’t have any other communications with him. Until yesterday. Shit.

I guess he switched Starbucks’ and ended up at the one by my house. LAME. I walked in and saw him, but it would have been low to turn around and go out again. I mean, that’s just straight up immature. He pretended not to recognize me, then we exchanged awkward conversation. Not cool!!! This is *my* Starbucks, what is he doing working there?!

Weightless

Guy’s weight gain. Apparently you’re not supposed to bring it up. Period. This includes telling a dude he’s lost weight. Does that mean you thought he was fat before?! If you try to back paddle and say he looks better with more weight, this is also bad. The joke, “there’s just more of you to love” is dead wrong. “A little extra around the middle is better for cuddling anyway” is not getting you out of the hole. I’ve tried all of these and none of them are acceptable. Who knew?!

In good health

Whatever is taking psych and apparently there is a cross cultural psychosis called koro. I don’t have it.

Flashback Memory Friday: What do green and red bring to mind?

Not Christmas. Not for me anyway. Green and red remind me of the two kinds of Jello I ate when volunteering to help Mocha with youth last week. Something to do with a treasure hunt race. They needed help. "Heidi! Heidi! Can you help us?! Can you eat this? Fast Heidi!" I ate each one within a minute. I don't like Jello. It makes me feel sick. Slamming it when it's warm and liquidy doesn't help. Shudder. I stood over a garbage can in case I had to barf.

For the children, I did it for the children. Shudder.

WWDPS? (What would Dr. Phil Say?)

Okay, so being unemployed (sigh), I've had lots of time to think about things and analyze (cough cough over analyze cough) and I started pondering my dating lifestyle. Turns out I have some lame habits.

I like to go for guys I know are bad for me. Maybe so I can have a good reason for breaking things off? Maybe I'm scared of actually committing (bonus points for cliche)? Maybe I don't respect myself enough (a few more points)? Maybe I should pick up some Maybeline mascara. Seriously, mine is getting dried out. The other stuff I have is clumpy.

I make up lame reasons not to date decent guys. I mean, decent guys ask me out, but I say we're incompatible. But what is compatible?! Am I freaked out things will actually go somewhere? Do I subconsciously actually not want to settle down for good? Do I feel 'locked in'? I like to think that I want to find someone special to be with long term. Ooh! Maybe it's old fashioned cliche: "I've been burned before!" (Def worth at least 15 cliche points)

When I do actually date an awesome guy, I freak. RIGHT OUT. I start looking for faults, for downfalls, or reasons to break it off. They can be really dumb reasons too, stuff that can be dealt with. I once rejected a guy because he had a dorky haircut, a cat, but no drivers licence. I don't like cats. Another time I rejected a guy because I thought he was pulling away. Wow.

Maybe all these reasons are crap. Maybe I just haven't found the right guy. Maybe I need to stop being an idiot or start seeing a shrink. Maybe I should get on that Maybeline.

So where the heck is this entry coming from? A guy asked me out today. Let's randomly call him David Bowie. He's tall (awesome), brown hair, brown eyes, is sweet, well spoken, and fun. My first reaction was pretty much to run away and maybe not talk to him for a while. The guy owns a lizard and is musical, clearly we are incompatible. But maybe I should give it a go. I mean... I don't have to marry the guy right? Besides, it could be worse... he could have a cat.
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*Note to self, if interested in a guy, don't give him my blog address.

Got food stamps?

So here I am. Again. Unemployed.

On the one hand I feel pretty good about not working for that restaurant- not having to worry what my poor guests would be eating. But on the other hand I hate being unemployed. Having tons of free time seems like it would be a luxury, and maybe for the first few days it is. Then it morphs into a burden. It's lonely. It's unproductive. And it's definitely unpaid. I find that I get lazy and moody, and feel unmotivated to do anything other than sleep, go on facebook, and eat ice cream. My body mass index is not a big fan of this.

So, I've developed a game plan. Yep. Make fun of me all you want, but I'm going to treat looking for a job like an actual job: complete with start times, end times, and breaks. On that note, I better go, I'm officially on the clock in a few minutes ;)

P.S. If I don't get a job in at least two weeks, feel free to drop off non perishable food items (or cheesecake) in the box outside my house labelled "Heidi's Hamper".

Confession Tuesday: I already want to quit my job

So here's the deal: I just started a new serving job and I really don't think it's going to work out. Here are some reasons why:

1) My manager looks at my breasts constantly. I'm kind of used to this and don't usually take offence to the odd glance, but this is more often than usual and my manager is a woman.

2) People touch the food. Which would be cool if it were just the cooks, but it isn't, it's everyone. Servers handle money, dirty dishes, and then manhandle people's meals. I can't handle that. Shudder. The people who actually are supposed to touch the food shouldn't. There is no dishwasher person, so everyone helps out, which is awesome. However, I've seen the cooks go from the kitchen to the dish pit and back without washing their hands. GROSS!

3) It's slow. Very slow. The lunch "rush" is less than an hour long. For tips this is lame. Really lame.

So, what do I do?! I really don't feel right about working there when I wouldn't eat the food myself and actually advise my friends not to. Also, I don't want to waste their time and money to train me when I know I want to take off. Furthermore, if I am looking for something else, I should get on it now. Hmmm, blogging this out, I think I've already got my answer!

Over Share

1. First thing you wash in the shower?
Hair. What kind of question is this?! What if I washed my privates first, am I supposed to write that?! Creepy.

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
Technically, "oatmeal" with purple feathers and birds. Love it. It's my K-lo hoodie. I bet Mochs and Genuine thought my fascination would wane... no way!

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
When the dude's nickname on my blog is "Ten", how could I not?!

4. Do you plan outfits?
Are we talking like a week in advance or something?! If it's for an occasion or I'm meeting with someone whom I want to make a good impression, yeah. Otherwise, I wear whatever is comfortable. Usually Lulu pants and one of my million graphic T's.

5. How are you feeling right now?
Technically it's not a feeling, but I'm feeling like some Moose Tracks ice cream with Reece's sauce. I'm also feeling like I need a back massage. Firm. Any takers, just let me know.

6. What’s the closest thing to you that’s red?
Red satin ballet flats with a black satin bow. Tres cute. Heart. Heart.

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
Sex dream with a coworker in Calgary. It wasn't with Ten, but it was awesome.

8. Did you meet anybody new today?
New coworker. He had cool grey-washed pointy toed shoes and a faux hawk.

9. What are you craving right now?
Ice cream and the back massage mentioned earlier. Mmmmm. Maybe a hot bath with candles and some tunes. Ahhh. Sigh. Heart. Heart.

10. Do you floss?
I flossed last night! But as a habit... unfortunately not. I always tell myself I'll do it "tomorrow."

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
Gross cabbage rolls and how stinky they are and how slimy they feel and how much I hate ground beef. EWWW!!! Make it stop!

12. Are you emotional?
Depends on who you ask. Depends on who I open up to.

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
Are you kidding me?! Who has the time or desire for that?!

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
If it's on a cone, I take a bit off with my lips and swallow it. If it's on a spoon I put in in my mouth and let it melt on my tongue. All this ice cream talk is killing me!

15. Do you like your hair?
Sure. If it's long or short, there's so much to do with it! Yesterday I tried to trim up the back without a mirror. It might look good, or it might not. Meh.

16. Do you like yourself?
In general, yes. I like that I try to be genuine and that I don't lie. But, I hate that I procrastinate, don't have discipline, and lack will power. Fuck it, I'm getting the ice cream out.

17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?
Side note: This ice cream is awesome. Heart. As for Bush, I wouldn't not eat with him. There's few people I actually wouldn't eat with. Besides, he'd probably pay, which would make an excellent Cheapskate Tuesday entry.

18. What are you listening to right now?
"If today was your last day" by Nickelback.

19. Are your parents strict?
Hahahaha! Good one. Rules, what rules?

20. Would you go sky diving?
I'm free tomorrow afternoon, sign me up and I'll meet you at the field.

21. Do you like cottage cheese?
Heck no! Not the stuff in the fridge nor the hypothetical stuff that may or may not be lightly showing on my buns :) Sure glad I got the ice cream out after all ;)

22. Have you ever met a celebrity?
My friends play Rock Band, does that count?

23. Do you rent movies often?
No, I don't even have my DVD player set up. However, I've been in the habit of buying cheap DVDs from Walmart or wherever else. They're still in the packages.

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you’re in?
Other than my personality? ;) Yes, I eat off of china and with gold plated cutlery. I'm serious. Sometimes I get McDonald's take out and bring it home and put it on my china. I should take a picture and post it next time. Ice cream bowl is officially empty.

25. How many countries have you visited?
Three: Canada, the USA, and Mexico.

26. Have you made a prank phone call?
What exactly is a prank call? I called Special late at night recently and I usually leave dorky messages on people's phones.

27. Ever been on a train?
"Runaway train, never coming back..." just joking. I went on the Duncan Forestry Museum train. AWESOME. Er... other than that, does the Skytrain in Vancouver or the C-Train in Calgary count?!

28. Brown or white eggs?
Judging eggs by their colour is very "shellow" heh heh... get it? I "crack" me up. Puns come "over easy" with me. Bah ha ha! Snort. Cheap eggs are my choice. As long as they are large and don't come in Styrofoam.

29. Do you have a cell phone?
Stop pressuring me to conform! I still have a corded phone by my bed. It was my grandma's and says "BC Tel" on the front. Awesome.

30. Do you use Chap Stick?
Cherry.

31. Do you own a gun?
Yes, it's in my lingerie box next to my Spiderman costume.

32. Can you use chop sticks?
Like a pro.

33. Who are you going to be with tonight?
Well, was supposed to be Mochs, but she bailed to go to bed early (boo), so I called Enthusiasm, but she didn't answer. So I called Gosh, but he was going to bed early too. I feel like should take up bridge and quilting. Lawn bowling anyone?

34. Are you too forgiving?
Some people say so, but other people probably think I'm a bit harsh sometimes. I guess it depends on how deep the wound is and whether I believe the person is actually sorry.

35. Ever been in love?
Yeppers, with Mechanic Guy and Spreedsheet. And Batman. Definitely with Batman.

36. What is/are your best friend/s doing tonight?
Don't have a best friend. My closest friends are sleeping apparently. And one is out for dinner.

37. Ever have cream puffs?
Bring it.

38. Last time you cried?
Couple weeks ago. Gulp. Choke. Hate seeing my bro cry.

39. What was the last question you asked?
Called Gosh and I asked, "Do you work tomorrow, or do you want to come and play?!" He works in the morning. Lame.

40. Favorite time of year?
They're all good! Probably have to say summer though because I can go to the beach. LOVE the beach. Love sleeping on the beach. Bring on the snoooooozzzze baby. Happy.

41. Do you have any tattoos?
Not yet, but I'm still thinking of getting one on my buns.

42. Are you sarcastic?
Usually when I'm upset.

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
I got to the part in the beginning where the kids were about to get molested and then I turned it off. Who the eff can handle that?!

44. Ever walked into a wall?
Not proud of that.

45. Favorite color?
Green.

46. Have you ever slapped someone?
Yeppers. Last person was Ricky Bobby. He took something too far.

47. Is your hair curly?
Nope, but it was when Puma gave me a sweet 1980's perm when I was a kid.

48. What was the last CD you bought?
Fleetwood Mac, Rumours. Love it. Bought it yesterday from Safeway for ten bucks.

49. Do looks matter?
Yeppers, maybe it sounds shallow, but Quasimodo is not my bag.

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
For sure! Trust a cheater... I doubt it.

51. Is your phone bill sky high?
Can anyone say, "Ozone"?

52. Do you like your life right now?
Pretty broad question! Overall, I'd have to say no :) But I am enjoying the little things, like flowers in my house (thanks you two :)) and friends to joke around with.

53. Do you sleep with the TV on?
TV, what TV?

54. Can you handle the truth?
I think so... but again, depends on who you ask. I may overreact to the truth, but I calm down and take it in later when I'm by myself.

55. Do you have good vision?
Cough cough... also depends on who you ask :S Some think I squint.

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
Hate, no. Dislike, yep.

57. How often do you talk on the phone?
Tons. Hence the Ozone comment ;)

58. The last person you held hands with?
My bro when we were at the hospital.

59. What are you wearing?
Wouldn't you like to know. Wink. White and gray slipper boots from Sea, black Lemon pants I picked up with Lucky, Red Calvin Klein shirt I got with Sea from the second hand store, and the gray fleece Sea gave me for Christmas. Thanks for dressing me Sis.

60. What is your favorite animal?
Is a gremlin an animal? If so, then my nephew.

61. Where was your default picture taken at?
Er what?

62. Can you hula hoop?
Sniff... nope.

63. Do you have a job?
Hooray! I can finally write "yes"! I got a job yesterday working at another restaurant, but here in Victoria. I'm not going to lie, it's not as nice as the one in Calgary and I'm kinda snobbing it out.

64. What was the most recent thing you bought?
Tall, peppermint, java chip, frappuccino with extra mocha and no whip. Heart heart heart. Love.

65. Have you ever crawled through a window?
I worked front desk at a hotel and two lesbians locked themselves out and I was the only one small enough to fit through the bathroom window. They made me hold a gnome and took a picture of my butt. I felt cheap and violated.