Willpower

I want to do the right thing. I want to do the right thing. I want to do the right thing. I wanst to do the right thien. I thwst to do thr wirte thing. I wantt o do the ritnw thing. I want to do the rightn thing. I wansd to do the right think . I want to do tht e wirnt thing. I wansd to...

Thrift store betrayal

I bought the most beautiful red snake skin belt at the thrift store for $1.99! Score or what?! It's so gorgeous.

Then I looked at the label and discovered it was made with real snake skin. Now it's a corpse belt. Red. Bleeding around my waist. Death as fashion. For only $1.99.

Confession Tuesday on a Wednesday

Today I farted in an elevator. And it smelled.

McDonalds Relationships

It occurred to me the other day that some relationships are McDonalds relationships: greasy, salty, and deep fried. What the heck am I talking about- that's not what I mean at all?! You know how sometimes you get a wicked craving for something at McD's and then you go to the drive through in anticipation; however, partway through the "meal", you feel gross and vow to never do that again?

Then you do it anyway.

You know in the back of your mind that you shouldn't, because it's bad for you and it won't make you feel great, but for some reason you're a sucker. You hope that this time might be different. And it's not. Each time it is not good for you, it just seems like it could be for the first few minutes. Some relationships are like this. Do you have that one friend, coworker, or crush that is bad for you, but you just can't seem to stay away?

Yeah... maybe this time will be different. Good luck with that.

The back of your head is ridiculous

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTFZyl7hfBw

Cute things nephews say

My four year old nephew, Gremlin, informed his mother that he doesn't like his name and would now like to be called "Lochness". Got it?

Proof miracles exist

Have you ladies ever met a tall surfer with a perfect body, beautiful tanned skin, a nice voice, and mad charm and thought to yourself: "This guy is amazing, I wish he would ask me out"? Well my friends, I've figured out a way to get him to ask YOU out! That's right. I have no idea how this works, but it does. Just follow these steps.

1) Make sure to stare at him without blinking. Ensure your eyes go blank and your jaw is slightly drooping.

2) When he speaks to you, stutter, mix up your words, and speak simply with zero fluidity. So far, so good.

3) Sweat. Aim for underarm crescents.

4) If you're holding something (anything) fumble it. Let it fall to the ground. Repeat. It's important that he perceives you to be clumsy and awkward. If using the phone, call the wrong number when he's within earshot.

5) When he's out of the room, crank up Adam Lambert's What do you want from me? and belt out the lyrics as loud as you can and with matching passion. Sing for the win ladies, sing for the win. If successful, he should walk in on you and start laughing. Smooth.

6) When making polite conversation and he mentions casually that he made dinner for his mom (so cute btw), boldly ask (out of nowhere) what he's cooking for you tomorrow. This won't work, but at least you put it out there.

7) Call him the wrong name. Make sure it sounds something like his name, but not quite. ie if he is called Justin, address him a Jordan. After that, simply address him as "Surfer."

8) One day when you are nervously rambling, ensure that you bring up inappropriate stories that reflect poorly on you. For example: bring up the time your house got robbed and your bedroom was such a mess that the cops thought it had been ransacked. Funny. Really funny.

9) Find opportunities to make fun of him: ie demean his slow typing skills or the dumb choice he made in dating his ex. Guys love it when you emasculate them.

10) When he asks you for your number (and he will) so that he can send you a text message, tell him that he can have your e-mail. Wait for him to look hurt and rejected, then tell him that you don't have a cell. Realize later that you could have given him your home number.

11) When he finally asks you out, be rude and bold and question his sincerity-ie is he just aiming to hook up? He will be mortified and say, "No" followed by an explanation of all the things he likes about you that are not sex related at all. This is a excellent ego boost, plus to ensure that you don't think he's using you, he will remind you often of all the things he likes about you. Well done champ.

12) If all of these steps have been completed properly, he will agonize about what to feed you when you go over. He will pick out fancy pants crackers, weird cheeses (whoops he didn't know you don't like cheese), prosciutto, chocolate, cantaloupe, some sort of fruit torte, and a few other things just to ensure you're satisfied.

Excellent.

Operation "Ditch Dracula" Complete!

I did it and escaped unpunctured. Thank goodness- it was risky too. Buhbye Count Chocula.

Confirmation that this was the right choice: After I told him it wasn't going to work out, he asked if I had any single girlfriends available. WHAT?! Honestly, who asks that? And... as if! I would never put my girlfriends in harms way.

Note to self: Stop dating vampires.

How to ditch a vampire

Okay... so operation Ditch Dracula is going into effect as soon as I figure out a game plan. I have to be careful though, he's moody, so I don't want him to go all "emo-bat" on me (I'm not even sure what that means, but it sounds like something to avoid). I need to perfect the right rejection.

Here's what I've got so far:

1) "It's not you, it's me."

2) "I'm just not ready for this kind of commitment- eternity is a long time."

3) "Unfortunately I'm more of a werewolf kind of girl."

4) "I think our schedules are too conflicting- you're a night person and I'm a morning person."

5) "I don't like to jump into coffins with people this quickly and I don't want to hold you back."

Any other suggestions? Help!

ACK! Confirmation or joke?!

Oh no! I'm so confused. After all this wondering about the vampire, I finally summoned the courage to be blunt. This is how it went:

Heidi: "Just curious, are you a vampire?"

Vampire: "Possibly."

Heidi: "Ack! Are you serious?!"

Vampire: "Who can turn down eternal life right?"

Heidi: Gulp. Blink. Blink.

Vampire: Laughter.

So what the heck?! What does this even mean? Is he joking? Is he serious? Shoot.

Vampire Tests

I'm almost certain that the guy I have been dating is a vamp. There are still more tests to run though. Here are some of the suggestions I've received:

1) Casually ask him if he's seen the Twilight series.

2) Ask him if he knows much about DNA or properties of blood (might be tricky to bring up)

3) Create a Caesar salad with lots of garlic and see if he will eat it.

4) Make plans with him in day light and see if he shows. If he does, does he sparkle or burn? Either is not a good sign.

5) Tell him you think something is wrong with your faucet in the bathroom and ask if he can have a look. When he's bending over the sink, check the mirror to see if he has a reflection. If he doesn't, that's also not a good sign.

6) When going out for dinner, wear a large and ornate cross necklace and see how he handles it.

7) Use an orchid root that is shaped like a hand. I think I am supposed to whip him with this... er... hmmm.

8) Wave a stake (a steak might not work) around and see if he gets intimidated.

9) In the morning serve him a bowl of Count Chocula and how he acts. Make sure to leave the cardboard box on the table.

10) Ask him how much sleep he averages per night. If he says, "Zero" it's not good.

I'm thinking of carrying a stake (not a steak) in my boot just in case. One can never be too careful. This is dangerous.

Things not to do in the office

I was at work the other night and it was slow. The office had been empty for quite some time, so I decided to put on one of my favourite songs to kill the silence. Obviously I started singing along. Not going to lie, I was all into it and thought I sounded pretty good. By the time I hit the chorus, I was fully rocking out and may or may not have had a "microphone". Good times right?

Then I heard a noise.

Laughter.

Turns out the guy from upstairs came in to use the computer.

Needless to say, I put the microphone down. Shoot.

______________________________________

Happy birthday to Attitude!

Out for the Count?

Okay, so I thought maybe I was over analyzing the Dracula thing. I mean come on, what are the chances he is a real vampire?! So ran a test and to be honest... the results totally strengthen my opinion. I think he's the real deal. For example:

We were on msn the other night and I asked him what he was up to and he said he was watching a show about bats on the discovery channel. WTF?! Are you kidding me?! I mean, can you chalk something like that up to coincidence? Does he know I'm on to him? Was he testing me? What will happen to me if he knows that I know? Yikes. I'm in too deep.

I'll keep you posted on the investigation.

Cling wrap

I have another dating story. I went out with a guy a little while back. Nice guy: funny, caring, affectionate, and thoughtful. However, he was also intense. We're talking grab-my-hand-and-wants-to-talk-about-the-future-on-the-second-date kind of intense. YIKES. I don't even know you buddy, drop the hand! He had nice, blue, sparkley eyes, but when I looked closer, I realized the sparkles were actually diamonds he was picking out for our engagement. Eek. I was outta there Roadrunner style.

Okay... maybe this is harsh, but there was another thing that bothered me about this guy. One day he bent over and I had a peek at his buns (come on now), but his bum was weird. Seriously. There was no cheek separation, in fact it was like his butt came to more of a singular bump. What the heck does that mean?! Duck bum? Maybe he had a tail. Couldn't handle it.

Don't get me wrong, I really do think this guy was great, but just not my kind of guy. I'm sure someone out there will be lucky to be with him :)

Risky Behaviour

You know you're getting older when risky behaviour means putting your slippers in the dryer.

Not your average first date material...

I think I dated a vampire the other night. We're not talking a Twilight sexy vampire, we're talking a creepy-bite-your-neck-and-might-wear-a-cape kind of vampire. All the prerequisites were were there, it just took some time to put them together. For example, he was taller. Not tall enough to be abnormal and draw attention, but definitely tall enough to be a vampire- everyone knows vampires aren't short. He also had albino white skin. And his eyes were black with a sinister sheen. Okay, the sheen wasn't there... but it could have been. Even his hair was crow black and receded into a perfect widows peak. Shudder. And as if his black coat was a coincidence. Also, he was extremely intelligent and interesting. In fact, there were moments when his charm captivated me. Or maybe it was the ice cream I was eating. Hmmm. Then out of nowhere, he got all crazy moody and manipulative on me. WTF?! The way I see it, I'm lucky to be alive! That guy was straight up vampire material, I kid you not- when he was talking and I was looking at his lips (don't judge), I saw pointy incisors. I'm not kidding. Shudder. That's when I had to say, "Peace out Count Dracula!"