Wedding with Attitude: Wingmen

Newlyweds are avid wingmen. Wing people. Wingy. Hmmm, I'll stop.

Flashback Memory Friday: Renegade rookies

I was thinking about my experiences donating blood. I've been doing it since I was 19. Whatever talked me into it.

One time I went in and there was some rookie nurse who took the needle out, but didn't apply enough pressure so blood started pouring out of my arm, onto my chair, and onto the floor. She freaked out, *walked away*, and called for help. Not good. I put pressure on it and waited as some older lady hurried over.

What the eff?
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As an aside, this is my only bad donor experience. And I've donated many times since.

How to negate any points built up

There was a day that really didn't feel like dressing professionally for work at The Blouse. So I called work to see if the head honcho was in or not. I figured that one of the girls could tell me covertly. Cool. What I didn't anticipate was the head honcho answering the phone. Shit. I paused, then hung up on my boss. Smooth, really smooth.

Super smooth except that Honcho pressed *69. Shit.

Gym poll update

Here are the poll results regarding whether or not people thought I'd go to the gym with Attitude at 5:30am (five times a week) up until the wedding:

18% of you said, "Are you kidding? No"
18% of you said, "She'll go, but not five days."
45% of you said, "Attitude will kick her ass, so yeah."
9% of you said, "She'll go for a while, then wuss out."
9% of you said, "She's determined and will go on her own accord."

First of all... I laughed at the candor of the 18% in the first category. You were wrong though. Ha. I'd like to thank the 9% who thought I'd go on my own accord. Ha. That probably wouldn't have happened. I'd have to say the 45% who thought I'd go because Attitude made me were right. My sister is scary. She made me lift weights too. I hate lifting weights. But you know what? They made my arms look amazing :)

Cheapskate Tuesday: "Youth"

Working at The Blouse, I've noticed that some women ask for their items to be non-taxable, even though it's clear that the items are not for someone under 15. It's comical.

For example, I had one lady come in and try on a matching suit jacket and skirt for about half an hour. Seriously, she spent forever posing in front of the mirror debating. It looked good I thought. She came to the till and asked for non-taxable because it was for her daughter. Riiiiiight, because the suit combos are oh so popular with the kids these days. Ha. Not to mention it is important for a mom to try on her child's suit for half an hour first. Hmmm.

It gets better. Another lady who was about 32ish came in with her 50ish year old mother to help her shop. The older lady was about a size large and the younger lady was about a size small. Anyway, the younger lady came to the till with two items of large clothing that the older lady had tried on. "Can I get these non-taxable please?" To which I replied, "For sure, how old are you?" Shocked, she looked up, "Ugghhhh, uhhhh eleven." I think I actually laughed out loud. I considered asking her which elementary school she went to, but I figured I'd bite my tongue on that one. Since when do 11 year olds wear fake eyelashes, acrylic nails, and learn how to do their make up perfectly? While she was still at the till, an eightish year old girl came up to the counter and addressed her as "Mom." It was priceless.

Why not spend the extra few bucks and save your integrity?

Heidi with a plumber crack?

I have fixed two toilets: one with ribbon from a royal blue, satin shirt (irrelevant detail, but the shirt is gorgeous!) and the second one with an elastic band.

Cultural differences with the Latino girls at work

In Canada, if you see a busty woman sitting at a desk doing her job, it is not appropriate to go behind her, put your hand down her shirt and touch her cleavage. Even if you are a 61 year old Hispanic woman. Even if you giggle while you do it. Nope, still not acceptable.

How to "Genuinely" have a good time

1) Show up to your friend's house for dinner.

2) Realize she accidentally threw her keys in the dumpster. Wicked.

3) Without knowing there is an audience, make sure your friend swears and says something about not wearing underwear.

4) Snicker, then tell her about the audience.

5) Ask audience members for coat hangers and flashlights.

6) Stand on the hood of the car laughing hysterically as the two of you pilfer through putrid trash.

7) Bingo! You found the keys under some discarded footwear and someone's kitchen leftovers. Wicked.

8) Enter building to switch over laundry.

9) All dryers are full so your friend empties a few. One of which has the biggest Hanes you've ever seen. HUGE.

10) Fold strange man's Hanes to the protests of your friend. (He's not there)

11) Later, when she goes down to get her laundry, he there and thinks she folded them. This makes it nice and awkward for her.

12) While she's gone, unpackage a whole thing of toilet paper in such a way that if one roll is removed, the whole thing will come down.

13) When your friend comes upstairs to tell you she ran into Big Underwear Man who thinks she folded his gonch, laugh at her. A lot.

14) When she accidentally topples the whole thing of toilet paper, laugh again. A lot.

Flashback Memory Friday: "I remember when..."

What does it mean when your favourite music is featured on 45 min of radio titled "flashback lunch"? Shit. Similarly, plaid flannel shirts are back in style in a huge way. I remember when they were popular the first time. Same with leggings. And royal blue. Don't get me started on vests and neon. Hahaha.

A B C D DD E

At The Gonch a middle aged lady asked me for either a 38B or 38C bra. Clearly she was more like a 32 B. Either that or she had some serious self esteem issues. Confused, I asked her if she was sure she needed at 38, because she looked more like a 32. She didn't know the difference between cup size and band size. How does this happen?! How long has she been wearing a bra that doesn't fit?!

For the record: cup size is the actual breast itself and is measured by a letter, and bandsize is the number of inches around the ribcage.

Random: Every woman's left breast is slightly larger. Some women's lefty is a whole cup size different. In this case, it's a good idea to fit a bra for that one and then stuff little righty with an enhancing pad. Most lingerie stores sell this pad or might have extras lying around, so you can just ask for one.

Conversation with a friend

Ooh, nice toenails! Did you get a pedicure?

No, I did them myself, thanks though :) I even added jewels.

Sweet! Soooo, how are things going with that guy?

Tee hee, pretty good. Just taking it easy. Nothing serious.

Awesome. Does he treat you well?

Yep.

Whatever happened to Lucky? Do you guys still talk or is it awkward?

Whoa, Lucky?! Well, I e-mailed him a few times and called. He said he'd call back, but hasn't yet.

Lame, that's kind of douchy.

Yeah, I think he's been busy though, he works a lot.

Too busy to do what he said he'd do?!

Yeah, he's been on a space ship for the last five months. I don't think the reception is very good up there.

Hmmm... isn't he a construction worker?

Yeah.

I hope he farts in his spacesuit.

Confession Tuesday: Bacon slut

I have a bacon problem. I'll eat crisp bacon, uncrisp bacon, and even burnt bacon. I love it. Not going to lie, I'll even eat it cold. Who does that?!

If I cook a kg of bacon (yeah I buy that much), I need a chaperon (usually Gosh) because I'll eat the whole thing. Twice now I've eaten a whole pound. It's terrible and completely not lady-like. The saddest part is that if I had more, I'd eat it too. Sigh... hence why I need a chaperon.

Zoom zoom

Sometime when I encounter different people I don't know, I like to make up stories about what their real lives are like or what they are doing that day.

Remember that girl at the gym who runs at an incline of 20 or something? You know, the one who could probably kick our butts in 2 minutes tops? Well Attitude and I thought maybe she was an assassin, or a cop, or a corrections officer. Why else would she need to be in such good shape? With another friend, we brainstormed that maybe she might be an exotic dancer and needs to keep the jiggle to a minimum. Or maybe she is the person who gets paid to test out the endurance or quality of the machines- ie she's trying to burn them out! Or maybe she's training for a 1/2 marathon. Perhaps she's super stressed and that's why she runs.

I think she's really a robot.

Fibre friends

Lets just say that its not cool to be stuck in rush hour, only to *just* make it to work and immediately get slammed with a rush. It's even less cool when you're working alone and holding diarrhea :) Shudder.

PS Fibre bars work.

Flashback Memory Friday: Personal Strip Show

I once went shopping for a shirt for Spreadsheet and was having some difficulty guessing his size in a particular shirt. Anyway, I asked one of the store guys which size he would wear and thought I'd figure it out from there. What I wasn't expecting was for the guy to whip off his shirt to try on the top for me. Chiseled abs, smooth skin, and firm pecks. BEST shopping experience ever!

Coffee with late-girl

There's a girl I meet for coffee sometimes, and every single time she is late. Every time. Arg. In an effort to not get so worked up about it, I play a game of guessing how late she's going to be. Bonus points if she's even later. This way, it almost seems disappointing if she's on time.

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CREEPY! Mid-blog, this girl walked into the Starbucks I'm at and said, "Hi."

Things not to say to a heavier customer

A bigger lady came into The Blouse to try on some skirts. The size she grabbed from the rack was definitely going to be too small- aka she probably couldn't even do it up. I've learned that this is probably where I should have left the customer to discover that on her own. Yep. I probably shouldn't have said, "That size probably won't fit, so if you need a bigger one, just let me know." Whoops. Realizing my faux pas, I tried to recover by saying I could also bring a smaller one... but it was obviously too late. She was not too impressed.

I should have applied for jobs digging ditches, I'm good at that. Especially deep ones.

Cheapskate Tuesday: Cookie monster

If you ever get a craving for cookies (cough Gosh cough) and you don't feel like shelling out for a whole box, just go to the blood donor clinic. Don't like needles? Meh, you don't even need to get one to get cookies.

Just show up, go straight to the table with the cookies, grab a pack and then go back to the line-up by the desk. They are okay with this because it's important to have appropriate blood sugar levels. Just doing your job (heh heh). Then when you get to the front of the line, someone will prick your finger and make sure your blood has enough iron (it's only a prick and the Peak Frenes are worth it). After that you fill out some form. Munch munch. Then another lady will ask you a bunch of strange questions ie: "Have you ever had sex with a man who has had sex with a man prior to 1979?" Apparently 1980 is in the clear?! "Have you ever traded sex for money or drugs?" I guess trading sex for a car is in the clear. "Have you ever travelled to Mexico?"

Bingo! Mexico is your out. Tell them you're not entirely sure where in Mexico you went. The lady will inform you that because you *could* have been exposed to the swine flu, you won't be able to donate blood for a year. Convey shock and disappointment. She'll feel bad and insist you have cookies anyway before you leave. In fact, she'll give you two packs of them and offer you juice.

Enjoy. Laugh at the other suckers who have to give blood to get cookies. Walk out with Fudgee-os in your purse.
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As an aside, I'm a regular(ish) blood donor and it's great. It doesn't hurt at all and it's an awesome way to help others in the community. When Hurricane Katrina hit, Canadian Blood Services was able to ship out a bunch of our blood to people who needed it there. How cool is that? Go check it out :)

Things not to say

Sometimes going shopping for clothes with guy friends is fun. However, after you say, "Hey that shirt looks good because it hides your fat really well," the back pedaling is not so fun.

New rules for being cool

Weird things happen at the pool. It's as if all the rules are backwards. For example: bikini's are lame and cool guys wear Speedos. I'm not making this up. In the change room you're kind of a wuss if you don't shower naked in front of the other women. The older chicks there will have long conversations with who knows what flopping around. I've probably seen waaaay too much. Despite the pressure, Attitude and I made a pact from the beginning to be the weird ones who shower with our bathing suits on. And I'm okay with that.

Once when she wasn't there, I showered in the buff just to check it out, but it was too strange. I felt like I was on display in the centre of a stadium. Maybe if I had a couple drinks first it wouldn't see so bad; However, considering we meet at 5:30 am, this probably isn't so cool.

Pavlov and his dog

My landlords are from India and every so often they come downstairs with some of the best Indian food ever. Best ever. So each day at around 4-6 pm I get really excited that they might bring pakoras or curry. Total Pavlovian response: I actually start salivating in anticipation. I'm salivating right now! Crazy science.

Sometimes I think of Russel Peters when they bring food down. I wonder if I could get the man to say, "Somebody's going to get hurt real bad." Tee hee.