I'm In Love With My Barista: It's not like I want the cat dead

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

It's not like I want the cat dead

It's five am and I can't sleep.

I'm staying with Sea and she's got a gray cat with green eyes and a broken purr. She's 18 and her name is Ducky. Ducky follows her "mom" around the house with a wretched meow that sounds like a regular meow with dying batteries. Sea likes to talk to her and buy her weird cat food that says something about hairballs on the label. I don't get this. I'm not a cat person so I don't get mushy gushy gross about an animal that licks itself and wants to cuddle with me. If I had a boyfriend who could lick his armpit or any other "area" there's no way he'd come near me for a snuggle. Somehow pet lovers are ok with this. For some reason picking up feces, spending money on cat food, getting fur on one's clothes, is a worthwhile trade-off. I don't know what that trade-off is. Companionship? Maybe it's an ego boost to feel unconditionally accepted by a pet.

I have an irrational fear that Ducky is going to die while I'm at home and Sea is at work. What if Sea holds me responsible or secretly resents me?! This is why I need to pre-emptively come up with the correct compassionate response. Instinctively I would suggest getting a new cat, perhaps a gray one from the SPCA. Apparently this is the wrong response. Whatever suggested getting flowers the same colour as Ducky. Something tells me they'd look more like flowers of doom. Maybe I could get her a Build a Bear cat. Forget it, that's lame. I've got nothing. Maybe she'll croak while I'm in Mexico or home for Christmas.

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Stuff my friends say I shouldn't say to or do around guys (especially if I'm interested)

If your man has been gone for a week and tells you how much he missed you, tell him you didn't really notice he was gone.
Compare him to your old sneakers you've had since grade nine. Mean it as a compliment.
When he gets his hair cut, ask if he's happy that he got rid of his Napoleon Dynamite hairstyle
When a guy is clearly upset, ask him if he's grouchy
In the middle of your first kiss, stop him abruptly and with disgust and a sour face exclaim, "Don't kiss like that!"
Tell him you think he has caterpillar eyebrows and ask if he's ever considered tweezing.
Assure him that even though he's not as attractive as the guys you usually date, that you like his personality a lot
Call him the wrong name
Ask if him if he is a vampire
Ask him if he's gained weight, especially if he's self conscious about this
If you've just started dating, tell him you already jotted down some wedding ideas.
Accidentally call him by the nickname you had for your ex.
Tell him that you're not stressed about the first kiss with him because it will probably be gross anyway.
Zero in on how how short he is. Actually use the term "hobbit".
Laugh when he expresses concern about hair loss, better yet, point out how it is thinning a lot faster in the back
Talk about my granny knee high stockings. Mention that they are beige.
Mention that he doesn't do something as well as so and so, especially BBQing
Tell him I think he needs counselling
React with shock when he tells me his age and exclaim that I didn't realize he was *that* old.
Pee while talking to him on the phone
Ask him to keep a toothbrush at my house because his breath is usually stinky
Tell him I can eat a pound of bacon to myself with no prob
Ask "size" questions
While playing football in the rain, throw mud in his eye
Tell one of my guy friends that I had a dream I made out with him the night before and that it was great (apparently this is awkward)
Tell my barista crush that the organic blueberry bars are always soggy and gross at his store
Ask if a guy shaves his body hair, especially back
Fart, especially loudly or stinkily