Bonus entry: Navy Seal

Ok, I know I don't usually (ever) post twice in one day, but today is an exception. I almost died. I'm not kidding.

Special took me to the airport and helped me pick a seat. Maybe you don't know this about me, but I get really nautious if something smells bad. For example, I used to do homecare and had to stop eating breakfast because I didn't want to chunder on my client. (I dry heaved every time I had to change him.) Also, I don't take the garbage out because I almost blew chunks in the garbage room. Sea witnessed this and made no qualms about being the garbage person in our suite. I also didn't change my nephew's crap diapers. This is my favourite kid in the world, I'd do anything to look after him. Except this. I tried once, but I had to phone my mom to come do it. I don't know what it is, I'm ultra sensitive to smell. Anyway, back to my story: Special helped me pick out a seat specifically as far from the back of the plane as possible. There's no way I'd survive sitting next to the washroom. NO way.

Turns out I ended up sitting next to a guy who's breath smelled *exactly* like ass. I'm not even exagerating. At first I thought he was farting, but then I realized the smell came when he opened his mouth! Can you imagine?! How is this even possible?! Did he have fecal fries? Shudder. Double shudder. Triple shudder and a shake. What could I do? "Hey buddy, can you hand me your barf bag, because with breath like yours, I'm going to need it?" No way! Besides, what would I do if he tried to engage me in conversation?! Ew. I would die. Right there.

I needed a plan. If I offered him a mint, he might decline or worse yet, try to use that as a stepping point to chat. With an hour long flight I couldn't risk it. Next step. I needed to avoid talking to him at any cost. Ok. I started writing in my jounal. This is effective because it seemed like I was engrossed in something important. Maybe I was a student writing a paper. Maybe I was an author in the middle of an inspiration. Maybe I was writing my deepest darkest secrets in a jounal. Maybe I was Maybelline. To further solidify the "don't talk to me" vibe, I put my MP3 headphones on and leaned as far away from his seat as possible. Perfect. Not sure what the lady on the other side of me thought, but it didn't matter at this point.

Unfortunately, this didn't stop the smell, it just prevented him from interacting with me. Plus McStinkerson was exhausted and kept yawning. I hoped he'd get a coffee from the cart to wake himself up a bit. No dice. I needed to go deeper. I needed to be tough. Navy Seals are tough. GI Jane was tough. So I watched him from the corner of my eye and whenever he yawned I held my breath. Mission Impossible music played in the background. I heard it. I held my breath for as long as I could while the bum-breath-funk disipated. Then: "Pahhhhh! Wheeeeeze! Pahhh! Wheeze!" Inhale. Exhale. I played it cool like I wasn't really gasping for air.

I thought of writing a note on a peice of paper and ringing the bell for the steward. I'd smile sweetly and hand over the note, which would read: "Please! The dude beside me has breath that smells like pure death, please insist that I move to another seat! I'll give you a quarter." I'd even draw a frowning face with tear drops under the eyes. If she didn't like my drawing and shot me down, I could be in a worse situation. I scraped that idea.

The smell was unbearable. I even took my barf bag out and kept it under my journal just in case. I prayed. I prayed that God would help me not to throw up. I just ate pizza and I knew the acid in my stomach would have turned the cheese rancid. No one wants to sit next to puke girl. Besides, it was imperative that I keep the barf bag for cookies. Be strong, you can do it. Navy Seal. Navy Seal. I started laughing. Hysterically. People were staring. This only made me crack up more. Try hiding insanity. "Gasp! Hahahaha. Gasp! Wheeze! Hahahha!"

Focus. Stop it. Focus. I got some water from the cart. I thought maybe it would settle my stomach and help me calm down. Instead, it disolved the pizza bread in my stomach making me feel queezier. Not good. Not good at all. Maybe I should get up. Seatbelt sign went back on! Shoot. Wait a minute, the plane was going to land soon! So close. So close. I sweated. I honestly did. Hold together soldier, hold on.

I made it! The plane stopped, the lights came on. McStinkerson stood up and created the most beautiful metre of distance that has ever existed. I claimed honourary Navy Seal status for my tenacity and assiduousness.