How to fly poorly on a plane part 3: The security edition

1) Pack your carry on luggage too full. By five pounds. Smile and plead desperately with sign in guy. He's in a jovial mood, which works in your favour. Be sure not to let security see you struggle with your extremely heavy bag. Okay, got it.
2) Relieved that your shoulder hasn't dislocated due to excessive weight pressure, fill up *four* grey bins with your two pieces of carry on, your purse, and your lap top. This takes up most of the counter.
3) Go through metal detector. Set it off.
4) Go back and put hoodie in bin number five.
5) Go through again. Set it off.
6) Yes you have keys *and* change in your pocket. Take them out and put them in bin number six.
7) Go through medal detector again. Set it off.
8) Smile, you're doing a great job of holding up the line.
9) Finally security guy busts out the metal detector wand.
10) Your watch sets if off. Bin number seven.
11) Your shoes set it off. Into bin number eight. The line up officially thinks you're a terrorist.
12) Buddy makes you stand starfish style and runs the wand down your legs and up the inside toward your crotch. You giggle. Sooo mature.
13) Your belt buckle sets it off. "Can you undo it please?" Whoa buddy, are we performing a public strip search?!
14) Make a joke about how it must be your steel abs. No one laughs.
15) Buddy runs wand over your butt. It goes off. Obviously the "buns of steel" joke is out.
16) Buddy calls some lady and takes you over to her. She puts her hands on your buns and feels you up. Awkward! Plus they should really tell you that that is the next step.
17) Now that you have been groped in front of a crowd, you are good to go.
18) Oh wait, turns out you're not. "Ma'am, is this your purse?"
19) Stand back as there appears to be a sharp weapon in your carry on. WTF? Wonder what it could be and insist there isn't anything. Er yeah, those are yours. Your eyebrow scissors are confiscated. Probably feeling bad for all you've gone through, the man compliments you on how tidy and organized your purse is and asks if you're a doctor or a teacher. Wow.
20) Do up your belt, put on your shoes, and gather your things while people going through the line glare at you. Smile awkwardly.