This entry won an award for longest rambling dating entry for 2008. Readers beware. There is no prize money for getting to the bottom. If you have no endurance, give up now and wait for tomorrow's entry. It's actually 1:41 am on Tuesday, but I'm going to change the time so it still fits into Monday.
Dating. Blech. It's so complicated. Why can't you just say you like someone, they say, "Me too" and then you get on with it? I hate the stupid games. I hate the "reading between the lines" crap. I hate being patient. And I hate that I ate popcorn for dinner instead of real food, because now I have gut rot.
I wonder how you know if someone is "the one". Do you start dating him and see if it works out? That works for cooking. Either an ingredient is good in a recipe or it isn't. Is it something you just kind of know? Is there only one specific "soul mate" out there, or could there be a few potentials? I like like Chunks Ahoy cookies, but Double Stuff Fudgee-o's are also satisfying. How much do you have to "like" the person first? What if you like him as a friend? Depending on the friendship, is that enough to develop into more? How do you know?
I have fantastic guy friends. Seriously. They're amazing. A bunch of them are handsome, funny, smart, and love Jesus. Sea asked why I don't date one of them. Why don't I? My response was that I just don't feel anything. Is that because I'm jaded about love? Thank you high divorce rates and miserable marriages. Has it been so long since I've dated seriously that I don't feel anything? Maybe I'm turning into Data from Star Trek. Am I not open enough to the possibilities? Squidlo thinks I'm too picky. Is that it?
People say standards are important, "Make sure you have high standards." But then I hear, "Heidi, you're standards are too high." Pasta and I don't know which things should and shouldn't be negotiable. There are a number of things I have on my "list", but as Darius pointed out in one of our "recycling" conversations, even if a guy has the "requirements", I still don't go for him. Why? Maybe it's the fear of commitment. Does that actually happen? I thought that was just crap people made up when they were trying to avoid dating "Where's Waldo?" or Steve Urkle. But maybe it's true. After dating Spreedsheet and having my heart messed up with that whole thing, maybe I don't want to risk that happening again. That was three years ago, but it sucked at the time.
Another thing, how much do looks matter? Obviously dating a hottie is cool. But I've experienced dating where someone grows on me, or repulses me, depending on his personality. Could I date someone I cared for a ton but didn't want to sleep with? Quasimodo anyone? Would I get over it? I could fantasize about Batman, but that's probably wrong. Ha.
How can I tell if I love someone as a good guy friend or as a partner? Isn't there a saying that you should marry your best friend? If I were to pick my best guy friend, it would be "Lucky". He's awesome. Like many of my guy friends, he's hilarious, intelligent, talented, hardworking, loves Jesus, is disciplined, ambitious, generous, thoughtful, sweet, strong, tough, independent, a good communicator, and gives the best hugs. I could go on about how much I admire him. He's fantastic. He knows me pretty much inside and out, but accepts me anyway. Why am I not dating him you ask? Good question. He thinks I'm awesome too. Would it work? I have no idea. I don't even know what to do with the situation. If he made a move, would I run for the hills or give it a try? I honestly don't know.
The long term freaks me out. It's weird. Ultimately, I want to be in a committed marriage where I'm a devoted wife and have a devoted husband, and we grow old together and wear matching sweaters. But when scary words come up like: "future", "compatibility", "marriage", "children", "love", it's like a bellowing voice reverberates off of narrowing walls and says, "HEIDI YOU'RE GOING TO BE LOCKED IN! THERE'S NO ESCAPE." Then I get an irrational fear that the walls will squish me or the voice will get so loud that it shatters me and I couldn't be put back together. That's a lot of pressure. Whatever's husband assured me once that I didn't have to agree to marry a guy just because I dated him. That helped. Gosh says I over analyze. I wish I didn't eat as much popcorn.
2 comments:
I say that if you don't feel a spark then don't force it. If it's meant to be you'll know it. If you don't know whether you know it or not then you don't.(got that?) Just be friends. If a spark develops later then you're in luck! In the meantime enjoy not having to change your sheets every week! ;) (Although I feel obligated to point out here that I always change my sheets every week.)
ps. please scratch the whole matching sweaters idea! I don't care how old you are some things just should never be done! You'll end up on a his-and-hers version of 'What Not to Wear'!!! :P
Petrina... you're awesome! Noted the sweaters ;)
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