1) Make sure to stare at him without blinking. Ensure your eyes go blank and your jaw is slightly drooping.
2) When he speaks to you, stutter, mix up your words, and speak simply with zero fluidity. So far, so good.
3) Sweat. Aim for underarm crescents.
4) If you're holding something (anything) fumble it. Let it fall to the ground. Repeat. It's important that he perceives you to be clumsy and awkward. If using the phone, call the wrong number when he's within earshot.
5) When he's out of the room, crank up Adam Lambert's What do you want from me? and belt out the lyrics as loud as you can and with matching passion. Sing for the win ladies, sing for the win. If successful, he should walk in on you and start laughing. Smooth.
6) When making polite conversation and he mentions casually that he made dinner for his mom (so cute btw), boldly ask (out of nowhere) what he's cooking for you tomorrow. This won't work, but at least you put it out there.
7) Call him the wrong name. Make sure it sounds something like his name, but not quite. ie if he is called Justin, address him a Jordan. After that, simply address him as "Surfer."
8) One day when you are nervously rambling, ensure that you bring up inappropriate stories that reflect poorly on you. For example: bring up the time your house got robbed and your bedroom was such a mess that the cops thought it had been ransacked. Funny. Really funny.
9) Find opportunities to make fun of him: ie demean his slow typing skills or the dumb choice he made in dating his ex. Guys love it when you emasculate them.
10) When he asks you for your number (and he will) so that he can send you a text message, tell him that he can have your e-mail. Wait for him to look hurt and rejected, then tell him that you don't have a cell. Realize later that you could have given him your home number.
11) When he finally asks you out, be rude and bold and question his sincerity-ie is he just aiming to hook up? He will be mortified and say, "No" followed by an explanation of all the things he likes about you that are not sex related at all. This is a excellent ego boost, plus to ensure that you don't think he's using you, he will remind you often of all the things he likes about you. Well done champ.
12) If all of these steps have been completed properly, he will agonize about what to feed you when you go over. He will pick out fancy pants crackers, weird cheeses (whoops he didn't know you don't like cheese), prosciutto, chocolate, cantaloupe, some sort of fruit torte, and a few other things just to ensure you're satisfied.
Excellent.
3 comments:
But does he have a BBQ?
Shizzat?! How could I overlook this crucial factor?! Good call my friend, good call. Thanks for having my back on that one :P
I thought waterfront property was a deal-breaker? Have you checked on this yet? And by making dinner for his mom... does he LIVE with her?
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