Confession Tuesday: I used to have no sass

Sea and I were flippin' through some old photos, and we came across one from a summer we went camping. We were hot. Smokin'. I was super slim, had a sweet tan, killer abs, and made a flourescent green bikini look good.

I pictured myself going on a beach now in that suit and imagined hot twinkies and grown men running away screaming. There's *no way* I'd do it. Nope. Not even for money. Okay, I'd do it for money... but it would have to be a lot.

This got me to thinking: What the eff happened?! Whatever and I postulated a theory a while back that Starbucks, McDonalds, Tater Tots, and ice cream may have something to do with our weight gain. Bastards. Not to mention the whole sitting in classrooms taking notes (on my sass), studying in coffee shops (on my sass), and then going to my desk job to sit (on my sass).

Then I got to thinking even further: How was I so slim in the first place?! Age? Probably. Weird eating? Probably. Exercise? Heck yeah. Also, I used to play volleyball, basketball, and soccer. And I ran and did three hundred crunches before bed each night. That's freakin' amazing.

This got me to thinking some more: Why don't I do some of this stuff again? Heck, why don't I? Tonight I'm going to do thirty crunches. Yeah, it's 270 *less* than I used to do, but it's a start. And tomorrow I'm going to have yougurt. With bran. Whoa. Again, it's a start.

My current two favourite fb statuses (status'? stati?)

"Sheet metal workers bang the loudest."

"When life gives you lemons, say, 'Fuck the lemons!' and bail."

Lighting a candle at neither end

Pretty sure I was brainwashed at the candle party. Maybe it was the food or perhaps it was the hours spent inhaling burning wax, but I somehow ended up with six dozen candles. That's 72 candles! I don't even use them. I feel tricked. It's like an infomercial that gets you at two am and all of a sudden you have an ab roller in the mail. Shit. Candles. What was I thinking?

Honesty vs honestly needing to shut up sometimes

Hmmmm... so honesty is friggin' amazing right?! But... so is thinking before you speak. And so is deciding not to share some things. For example, if you have a sex dream about a guy, you don't need to tell him. In fact, you should *not* tell him. Don't tell him.

How not to feed your kids

Today’s “food” intake:

-5 cookies
-2 pieces of ice cream cake
-half a bag of Tostitos
-Three pieces of pizza
-Two glasses of milk

Pretty sure Tostitos are made from corn, that's a veggie right?

What 27 looks like so far

This year I had the tamest birthday ever. It consisted of going to work and then coming home for my sister’s candle party. Sea bought an ice cream cake and used sparklers in the shape of a one and a seven. The store ran out of twos.

Northsiiide!

Sunny is one of the coolest guys at work (no not interested). Sometimes he gets pissed off with silly little things and I make fun of the situation until he realizes he’s overreacting and then we laugh about it. For example, he hates the gangster music they sometimes play in the kitchen. It’s crude and he gets really worked up about it. So for the rest of the day I talk to him like a wannabe gangster. “Yo, what’s up my white guy?! Pass me the cheese grater Homey.” He loosens up again.

"baaarrrtenderrrrr"

It’s 2:46 am and I’ve come to the conclusion that I am probably spending too much time at the restaurant. I just woke up with some crazy nightmare about the bartender (lets call him Tall Guy- not the sleezy guy) being my sister Latina’s psycho husband who kidnaps me and The Grouch (also from work) and traps us in some white room with loud fans. Turns out I cleverly disconnect the fans (interesting how we’re sooo James Bond in our own dreams eh?), break through the ceiling, and happen to subtly warn the two (hot) police officers (guests at the restaurant) in the next room. For some reason we were all in the yard waiting for something when Tall Guy shows up unexpectedly in a grey hoodie thinking The Grouch and I are still locked in the white room. I (of course) manage to sneak away and attempt to escape to the neighbours’ place who happen to be out and left their door open (convenient). I lock myself in the bathroom as Tall Guy comes into the house wanting to kill me. As I’m escaping through the window (also convenient), one of the hot cops busts through the front door and shoots Tall Guy five times in the chest. Then I woke up in a cold sweat (cliché) with my heart racing (cliche). What the eff? Do I secretly fear our bartender?

"I feel..."

I hate conflict. Oooh do I hate conflict. Fighting with someone almost always involves some sort of misunderstanding, selfishness, and blame. Throw in some bad communicating and you've got yourself a pretty good conflict.

Not that I'm a pro or anything, but so far I've found that the best way to deal with issues is to focus on the main thing: ie you care about the other person and the relationship and you want to see things work out. With this in mind it's easier not to nitpick. I've done the nitpicking thing and it *so* does not work out well. Shudder. What does seem to work out okay is owning up to the stupid stuff I do and acknowledging the cool stuff the other person did.

The piss off, is that the other person might not deal with conflict the same way. They might still think you're a douche bag (vulgar term common in Calgary) and be more interested in being right and being the victim (whether they are or not). This is where I'm not sure what to do? Do you keep pressing to say it takes two to tango? Do you give in and accept your given role as the villain? Or do you tell the person he or she is a friggin' headcase and you don't need that shit? I've tried playing the "everything's fine game" in the past and that def doesn't work. So I guess I don't really know what to do from here.

Maybe booze and drugs are the answer ;)

BC Bound

Interesting thing about going home for a short period of time: the people who want to see you, do.

Highlights:
1) Turkey dinner
2) Painting with my nephew on one of those colouring books that you just add water to make the colours brighten up. We didn’t have water right away, so we used spit in our hands. My aunt was mortified. It was soooo worth it.
3) BBQ dinner with the best freakin’ steak ever. Perfect, except for the couch.
4) Coffee and chats. Coffee and chats. Coffee and chats.
4.5) Saw Karl. My beloved Karl. He is so beautiful. Mentally, I touched his bum. Mentally it was firm.
5) Homemade crackers with weird yummy dip. Mmm fruit and veggies.
6) Hairdresser bonding time. My hair is so SHORT now.
7) Ice cream cake
8) Random brecky
9) Late night cheese caking downtown.
10) Lots of sleep.
11) Thrifty Foods

* I think the majority of my list involves food. Hmmm, I think I should go eat something.

Lowlights:
1) Not enough time.
2) Didn’t get the chance to see everyone or spend as much time with people as I wanted.
3) Not enough sister bonding time.
4) Didn’t get around to making out with Karl.
5) Saw way too many super bad eyebrows. Shudder. I’m not kidding, it was like caterpillars fighting over nose ownership.
6) Didn’t eat fish and chips at Brady’s.

Home not on the range

Latina, her family, and I went home to surprise Puma (my mom) for her 50th birthday. It wasn’t much of a surprise because Mom watched out the window all day to see if we had arrived yet. Secretly this made me wish that I had not come. “Surprise! I didn’t come.” But that’s kind of jerky.

Speaking of secrets, I kind of miss the days when alcohol and stupid drunken statements made family events more interesting. For instance, take Nana’s husband’s funeral when my grandma got wasted and called her daughter-in-law a tramp. We thought they were going to get in a fist fight. Then there was that time my uncle got wasted and mooned everyone. He got mad and walked home after we told him he was an idiot. Home was a two hour walk away. We picked him up on our way back, which was an hour later.

The alcohol dynamic all changed when one person actually sought help and went to AA. Suddenly drinking had consequences (Oh really?! Imagine.) and we didn’t have alcohol at family events for about two years. At the same time people started having babies (I skipped out on this fad). Now we sit around watching the kids do funny things.

Last Christmas, Puma brought some loser to Christmas dinner. He didn’t know about our family’s new stance on drinking. And I swear having him there was the most excitement I’d seen for a long time. Legendary. “Remember that jerk your mom brought that one year? What was his name again?” Short-shlong-long-gone-Don-from-the-Sooke is what we called him. Say it aloud, it’s funny. He got wasted, said some stupid things and almost got his ass kicked by my uncle who escorted the dude to the front door. Ahh the memories.

How to travel poorly on a plane part two

1) The night before leaving, accept a closing shift at the restaurant. Get three hours of sleep. Be exhausted.
2) Pack last minute- folding is for amatures, just throw it all in. Five minutes and we're done!
3) At the airport, get lost and ask the hot guy for directions.
4) After going to the wrong place (plastic cage with the spinny thing), ask someone else for directions.
5) See hot guy again and flirt a bit.
6) Walk away thinking you should have made some sort of move for coffee with him, especially after he said something about also loving Starbucks so much. Idiot.
7) Still day dream at security, wait for Frenchy security guy to ask if you have liquids or gels. You have parfume. How much? Say you don't know, but it smells good and then smile.
8) Smiling doesn't work. Get pulled aside to pull apart suitcase to find parfume to put in baggie. Hold up line.
9) Flash poorly packed lacy thongs to Frenchy and the rest of the line up, only to be told by the other security guy that your luggage is too big for carry on. You need to go back to check it into the luggage thingy.
10) Wonder how you forgot to do that in the first place?! You had no intentions of using those as carry on. Remember the hot guy. Oh.
11) Put luggage on spinny thing incorrectly. Get mocked by the young hostile luggage girl. Biatch. Who knew there was a propper way anyway?!
12) Return to security. No, you have no liquid or gels.
13) Lust over young security guy with the Sonic the Hedgehog hairdo and really white teeth. Wonder what he smells like.
14) End up getting run through security by the old guy. So much for smelling Sonic.
15) Find a Starbucks and rejoice! Life is good.
16) Hold up Starbucks line because your Starbucks card, credit card, and debit card won't swipe. It's obviously a problem with the machine, but vainly hope the people behind you don't think it's because you're poor.
17) Continue holding up line while you pay $5.30 in quarters. FYI, that's 22 quarters (hooray for being a server!).
18) Walk away and realize that the barista mistook your request for extra mocha as a request for extra peppermint. If Halls and Vicks Vapour Rub had an affair and made a beverage, this would be it.
19) Sinuses clear, realize you're late for boarding. Start jogging awkwardly with your beverage and super cool over sized purse that you got from Winners. So hot.
20) Get on plane and sigh in relief. It's crowded and you're sitting next to snobby girl. Whatever, it could be worse, you could be sitting next to farty breath. Shudder.