Resort reshmort

My favourite places in the whole world (thus far) are:

1) Being in bed sleeping. This is truly heavenly. I love my sleep. Big time. My best friend is Nap.
2) Laying on the beach, especially in the summer. Even on a cloudy and windy day I like to grab a blanket and a hoodie, go down to the ocean, lay down, and listen to the waves. Sometimes I fall asleep. Once it started raining and I didn't notice until my sleeping bag was all wet.
3) I love cranking the hot water in the shower and sitting/laying down and letting the water run over me. It's amazing.

Flashback Memory Friday: Bedside treasures

I never had a clean room until my mid twenties. When I was eight, I took a stab at cleaning it (was I grounded or bored?), so I spent hours tidying, organizing, and tossing. I found old toys and lost socks- maybe even a tooth I was saving! However, what I wasn't intending to find beside my bed was a big, green, dead, frog with dust on it. Ew. I think it was stuck to the carpet and I had to get a flipper to get it off. It was crispy.

Turns out frostbite isn't so great

Three steps to get frostbite on your ear:

1) Stay in the wind too long, especially without a toque
2) Wait for ear to be red and sore
3) Wait for ear to scab and peal

Congrats! You officially have frostbite!

Shudder

Cats are disgusting.

Ducky (Sea's cat), was licking her butt *right* beside me (okay, across the room) for like five minutes straight. That's so gross. I understand animals need to clean themselves, but come on, that's practically enjoying it! Totally grossed me out. I may or may not have thrown a Kleenex box beside her. She may or may not have stopped.

Lots of people think it's cute when an animal licks them- "awww, it likes me!" but just think of the fecal transfer. Ew.

Confession Tuesday:The real reasons behind the break up

I discovered the real reasons behind Stella and Lucky's break up:

Stella:
1) Lucky didn't tweeze his eyebrows.
2) His biceps were simply too big for her. The fact that he could bench press her was just too masculine.
3) He didn't reach the correct flower giving quota.
4) She needed space so she could focus on her running (we're still waiting for her to get going on that).
5) Lucky was too funny and made her laugh far more than she was comfortable with.
6) He never proved his BBQing skills, so she didn't feel comfortable moving forward.

Lucky:
1) Stella never cooked for him.
2) He never received cookies from her either. Not even for Valentines.
3) Too much pressure to have perfect brows. Who can live up to that?!
4) Also, Stella's breasts were too big. He tried to get over it, but couldn't. Way too much woman for him.
5) Stella was too good at the 25 cent game that it would have been detrimental to their future together if they were to continue.
6) He found out how high her student loans really were. (Ha!)

Happy Valentines Dear!

Lucky and Stella decided to break up. Weirdos. They said that it was mutual and that stuff needed to be figured out. What stuff? She said they were cool. I asked him, and he said they were cool.

How's that for a boring break up?!

Tasty socks

Sometimes I like to put my foot in my mouth.

I wrote a blog a while ago about all the flowers I've received, and wrote that my ex, Spreadsheet, never gave me flowers, yet claimed he did. Well, after reading that entry, he tried to remind me of a time he did bring some. I thought he was full of it. He said he even called Whatever from the store to ask her what my favourite kind, and colour were. I still thought this was part of his fabrication, so I did some research (aka facebooked Whatever to ask if she remembered) and she confirmed that Spreadsheet was on the ball with the whole flowers gig. Turns out he gave them to me and I was super stoked.

Whoops! Belated (cough cough by five years cough) props to Spreadsheet ;)

Valentines Day: Lesson learned

I found the perfect Valentine's card. The front was pink and read: "It's Valentine's Day, so you probably expected a card from me- and you probably expected me to say, 'I love you'." Then inside the card, there is a photo of a monkey sitting on a toilet reading a newspaper and the card reads: "...but I bet you didn't expect this! Happy Valentine's Day. Love you."

Isn't that hilarious?! No sappy "You're so special to me, blah blah" garbage. I mean, if someone is special to you, they'll know it- they don't need Carlton to point it out.

However, apparently it's not cool to give everyone the same Valentine's Day card (I must have given this card to like five different people!). Sea pointed this out when she and Lucky opened their cards in the morning and discovered they were the same. Hmmm. I had no idea this wasn't cool. I did write different stuff inside though. In retrospect, it's probably cooler if your man and your sister don't receive the same love card.

Flashback Memory Friday: The Seafood Guy

A couple years ago, I had a crush on the seafood guy who worked at Thriftys. He was tall, proportionate, had blue eyes, and blond hair. It was long and he wore it in a ponytail. I'm not the ponytail type, but I made an exception. We'd talk and flirt a bit.

I pointed him out when my girlfriends and I went shopping. Tee hee. Then one day one I asked a cashier if she knew his age. She went over and asked. I totally did not mean for that to happen. Yikes! I felt like such a knob. She said he was single too. Idiot. One of my girlfriends talked me in to giving him flowers. Lame. I didn't even give them to him directly, I gave them to the cashier to give to him. Double lame. After that I avoided that particular Thriftys. I drove an extra ten minutes to the next one.

Not so musically inclined

I hate musicals. They make me so mad. Even as a kid I couldn't stand Mary Poppins and that "spoon full of sugar" garbage. I mean, who pulls a coat rack out of a bag anyway? And to sing while she does everything?! Arg. Too much singing. Too much happiness. Too many old people acting like idiots.

How big are the babies though?

Lucky and I came across this:

Confession Tuesday: Fluffy stuff

I still sleep with a stuffed animal. Every night. It's a yellow bunny with blue eyes and a pink nose. My grandma got it from some lady for Easter after she found out she had cancer. I fall asleep on my side with it tucked under my arm. Each time I roll over, I bring it with me. When I travel, I bring it with me. If I'm sick and sleep on the couch, I bring it with me. However, if I go somewhere where I don't know the person very well, I leave the bunny behind, but I bring a hoodie that I can bunch up and sleep with instead.

My bunny doesn't have a name though... that would be childish ;)

Addressing the crack market

Dear People-with-ass-cracks-beaning-me-in-the-eye,

You are ruining my life. Okay, maybe not my life, but my shift. Every time I have to walk by your table and see you cracked out, my retinas burn and my stomach threatens to return my breakfast. Pants up folks. Belts are your friends and can be purchased for as little as $1.99 at Value Village. I'll give you five bucks to get two of them- keep the change. If for some reason you are against belts, please tie your hoodie around your waist or wear your long jacket. (This message is especially for the old dude with the grey butt hair. Shudder. Double shudder.)

If you could please look into this matter (or stay home), I'd greatly appreciate it.

Sincerely,

Your Server Heidi

Heidi on a Jet Li day

One of my pet peeves is when people assume they know me better than I do. Pisses me off actually. Sure, they may see things from an outside perspective, but when they think they know my heart and ideas better than I do, it really grates on me. Are they in my head?! No. Then why the eff do they think they know what's going on in there? The worst is when they try to argue with me about it. If I say I think or feel a certain way about something, that's *actually* what I mean. Why debate it further?!

Insert a Kung fu kick and punch combo.

Practically a shift!

The longest phone conversation I've ever had was 8.5 hours.

Flashback Memory Friday: Speech Therapy

I used to have a lisp. I had no idea. I remember my grade five teacher asked me if I sometimes had trouble speaking or using words. What the heck? No. Then some lady started coming to pull me out of class. This was embarrassing. I got to miss class though and that was cool. I remember her coaching me on how to hold my mouth and my tongue so that I could pronounce "s". She must have made me say the word "snake" a hundred times. I wanted to tell her to fuck off because I could speak well enough. But being in grade five, I didn't have the guts.

I'm not sure when I ditched the lisp, I guess when that lady stopped coming. I wonder whose idea it was to send her. My teacher? My mom? Who funds that anyway? Hmmm. Nonetheless, I'm glad I don't have a lisp anymore.

Watching TV with Eugene

Off our living room is the patio, which has a huge sliding glass door. We're on the third floor (remember- the old guy in the house robe is on the 4th) and I like to leave the blinds open. I enjoy all the beautiful snow below. At night the building lights hit the trees and make them look orange, which looks stunning against the navy sky and the blue/green snow. Sea hates that I keep the blinds open. She's convinced that perverts across the way will watch us. I doubt it. Who wants to watch two girls watch TV? Maybe if we did it in our undies or something. (For the record we don't. Okay, sometimes I do, but it's only when Sea is at work and then I keep the blinds closed.)

We call the "guy across the way" Eugene. I imagine him to be a little nerdy, but super sweet and yes a bit odd. Sea is a little less uptight about the blinds now. Who would feel threatened by Eugene?!

Eugene gave me socks and make-up in a cute little gift bag for Christmas.

Reasons I love Antics

I worked with Antics and quickly grew to love him. Here's why:

1) He zeros in on the most homophobic coworkers, then hits on them.
2) He complains about breaking a nail.
3) He thinks Edward Norton is "yummy". (Norton is my fave actor)
4) He once contorted his body in order to squeeze into the plate chiller and freak people out.
5) He created a "soup spoon dance", in which he danced around singing to 1990's dance songs with soup serving spoons as breasts. He removed them to reveal sticker nipples. Amazing.
6) On a slow afternoon, he can be found wearing a bandanna fashioned from a cloth napkin and a long receipt tape with "Miss ______ Restaurant 2009" slung proudly over one shoulder. He perfected the pageant wave.
7) He gives a hilarious lap dance to the song by the Pussycat Dolls- "Loosen up my Buttons". Even though it wasn't me who received it, I almost died laughing.

Confession Tuesday: A different side of Batman

I love Batman. A lot. One night I had a sex dream about him. It wasn't that great. I woke up disapointed.

Alcatraz and biology

Sometimes I'm convinced my uterus is trying relentlessly to claw its way out. Perhaps it wants to escape to somewhere tropical.

___________________________________
Sidenote: Did you know that the uterus is actually only about the size of a walnut? Yet it causes so much pain and expands to hold a human being?! Ew.

Association and "that girl"

I talked to my friend Enthusium a while ago. She said she ran into some guy who asked if she knew that girl who farted. Wow... "That girl who farted". That's how he remembers me?! I suppose it is my fault: A while back, we were all sitting around my place talking and joking, when I let a little one rip. It was a tad louder than I thought it would be, but nowhere near my worst (That's a story for another day). He's locked me in his mind at the gross farty girl. Awesome.

It makes sense though, because when you don't know someone well, you need something to use as a reference point. One of Black and Special's friends remembers me as "That girl with the Matt Damon poster". I'm not going to explain it. It made sense at the time. Never mind.

Side note: I just realized there is someone sitting behind me reading this. You can stop now.

I think I've also been known as "that girl who paints with dead bugs". For the record, it's cool and people actually buy those paintings. Don't judge.

Maybe I should put more effort into being remembered for positive things: like remember "that nice girl" or "that friendly girl"?