Some things are beyond using the mute button

Someone (who shall remain nameless) called and left a minute long message on my voice mail. Long messages don't bother me. However, this person was calling from her bath tub. It echoed and everything. She proceeded to tell me how she got a bath set for Christmas and was trying it out. She doesn't usually use scented products, because they make her skin itchy, but this stuff isn't too bad. She likes the way the bubbles feel. Anyway, call her when I get a chance.

Even I think this is too much information. Hello cementedvisual.

Good thing I love her.

Cheapskate Tuesday: Christmas mules

This year I could have made thoughtful gifts and sent them back home, but that would be too expensive. So I decided to go for gift cards. They fit in an envelope, are cheap to send, and people like them. The only snag in my plan was that my nephew Gremlin wouldn't understand a rectangular piece of plastic as my way of showing him I care. Kids need toys. Cool ones.

So Lucky and I spent half an hour picking out some sweet dinosaur and zoo animal toys that move and make noise (I think Lucky had more fun with these than my nephew will!). *Remind me to tell you a funny story* Anyway, being a cheapskate I was not looking forward to sending these in the mail. Fortunately, Special offered to mail them for me- he's a courier so he gets a discount. Awesome. Most people would be happy with that. However, I'm cheaper than most people. Knowing Special was going home for Christmas, I asked if he had room in his suitcase to take them. He did. Problem solved: gorilla and triceratops ride the plane for free :)

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* Funny story: When Lucky and I were taking gifts, wrapping paper, and movie munchies to the till, an old lady stood in line behind me, and Lucky stood behind her. All of a sudden Lucky got a peculiar look on his face and cooked it over to the next till. What's the deal with that? He stood there smiling. It wasn't a shorter line. Hmmm. Then it hit me: a waft of stink. At first I thought he dropped a bomb and ran, which would have been cold. However, his expression told me it was the old lady! Ewwwwwwww. Old lady farts are nasty. Plus it hung in the air forEVER and the cashier took her sweet time. I thought I was going to die. No, vomit, then die. Lucky laughed.

Sometimes Confidence is not enough

Sea got me some new fancy make up and make up brushes for Christmas. Today I thought I'd try them out and experiment with the smokey eye effect. Feeling like a bit of a fox, I strode confidently into the front lobby at work. Alarmed, Friendly stopped me and asked if I was ok. Weirdo... of course I was fine. She seemed confused. Perhaps my eyes were watery or my cheeks were red from being outside. However, as I made it into the back room, I received a myriad of stares. Ok, what's the deal?! I asked one of the girls if there was something wrong with my make up. Her hesitation told me there was. She said it looked like I'd been beaten. Enough said. I washed it off.

*Note to self: experiment with make up on days off.

Confession Tuesday: Did I forget to mention?

Stella's dating Lucky. I'm Stella.

Things I have in common with my 3 year old nephew

I got a package in the mail today. In fact I got two. Most grown-ups would open them at Christmas. Not me, I grabbed a knife and ripped those suckers open (think packing tape)! Paper, ribbon, and boxes everywhere! I didn't even take my shoes off at the door.

I snoop at every present. I hold it, shake it, and squish it. I'm pretty good at figuring them out too. When I was a kid, I would hunt down the gifts in the house, gingerly cut along the tape line,peer at my present, then replace the tape, and arrange the gifts exactly as I found them. No one knew. This year Sea hid all my gifts in her room and gave me strict instructions not to go in there. To be honest... I grabbed the phone in her room and peeked. I know that's wrong... but I did. However, in the direction where she told me not to look... not that I was looking... I saw she covered something with a sheet. Summoning all the will power I could muster I left the room at that point. I think I deserve props.

Once Whatever gave me a gift bag wrapped up like Fort Knox (sp?) and said not to look inside. I did anyway and there was a note that said, "I told you not to peak!" Busted. Maybe I'm five.

Sniff... sniff

Lucky's lady

Lucky has a new woman and I'm glad. He's nuts about her. Since things started happening between the two of them, it's like he walks around in a Frank Sinatra song. Ooh- or maybe Whoville. (I friggin' hate Whoville, but it's a happy place and I think that's where he's at). I'm glad he finally found a girl who realizes what a great guy he is. That girl's going to be the luckiest girl ever (pun half intended). If she breaks his heart I think I'm going to bust her knee caps.
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Cookie update: Only five boxes!

Flashback Memory Friday: What alterior motive?!

Ok... so maybe it's a little scandalous, but a while back, I used a friend's son as an excuse to go to the fire station. It's true. Worked like a charm. The kid was stoked that he got to see the fire engine complete with flashing lights and a seat in the driver's chair! Pretty exciting eh? The guys even let him wear a hat, boots, and a jacket. Cute. It made his day and gave him an experience to remember. So glad I could be a part of that ;) Tee hee.

Strongly recommend this ploy. Could possibly work at a police station too. Go get 'em sisters!

Smudged mascara trash talk

Dear Impatient-bus-driver-who-leaves-unreasonably-early-from-major-check-points,

YOU suck and I think you smell! Thanks a lot jerk for screwing me over twice today. Both times you left 10-12 min early, which meant you left me and other passengers stranded in the snow. It's effen minus 37 tonight and I have better things to do than to spend half an hour (twice) sitting in an effen snow drift in the ghetto. My hands, toes, and limbs burned with cold; my snot froze; and my eyes watered, causing my mascara to smudge. I love looking like The Joker to people passing by.

What if someone were to get hypothermia or mugged? What if you left behind one of those moms with her stroller? Never mind the people who have jobs, meetings, and other important things to show up on time for. What justifies you leaving ten minutes early? What could be so important or beneficial? There are timing points and bus schedules for a reason. If you want to make your own schedule, become self employed.

Sincerely pissed off,
Heidi
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*This is my frustrated vent, so don't think this is me all the time :)

P.S. I held my thumb out to hitch a ride on a fire truck. No dice. They smiled at the effort though.

Cookie eating snow sorcerous

When did -20 become decent weather and -14 become good weather? How did I get conditioned to this? I think I'd put on a bikini if it was plus 5.

Also, how did our cookie cupboard count drop from eight boxes to six, in only a few days? Hmmm. I think the cat is eating them. Stupid cat.

The coolest thing happened last night! I was in the dark and took off my massive, multicoloured, thriftstore, sweater and I could visibly see the static! There were silver sparks everywhere (Heh heh... I'm fighting the urge to say I'm electric). When I reached out to touch the sweater lying on my bed, there were three inches of sparks from my hand to the sweater. SOOOO cool! This provided a solid four minutes of entertainment.

I think you should put something in the dryer without a fabric sheet, then go play in the dark.

Confession Tuesday: Too much information

I chickened out of sharing the juicy Confession Tuesday entry, so you get a much grosser edition instead: What I'm like when I'm sick.


Being sick sucks. I wear sloppy clothes because they're comfortable and no one will see me anyway. Right now I'm wearing an over-sized, multicoloured knit sweater that I got at the second hand store for four dollars. Underneath that I've got my neon yellow T-shirt I bought in Santa Monica. It's ripped and faded. I'm wearing my raw spinach green capris because all my pants are dirty. Laundry is not a priority. To keep my calves from getting chilly, I just hike up my black socks that I got in the men's' section of Zellers. Who needs a bra when I nap most of the day? Run free boobies, run free! Showering takes too much energy because I'd have to unrobe, clean up, re clothe, and then dry my hair so I don't get a chill. This is gross because I probably stink, but I can't smell it so therefore I don't care! I feel wretched, so greasy hair and clammy armpits have become trivial. Snot rags overflow the garbage container in my room. I haven't rinsed out cans of soup or washed the dishes. Items are scattered all over the place. Who cares? The high points of my day occur every four hours when I can take my next set of meds. That means more pills, and/or Buckleys. I'm convinced Buckley's is equal parts pine juice and hydrochloric acid. I feel tough taking that stuff, but it works.

Do I sound nasty? Heck yeah! However, I bet my description secretly sounds familiar. We're all a little sketchy when we're ill. Nothing matters other than getting better or alleviating as much discomfort as possible. For example: when your nose becomes chapped from blowing it so often, what can you do? Yesterday I discovered a brilliant and inexpensive solution (which could have been a Cheapskate Tuesday idea!): if you dab chapstick on your beak, it totally soothes it. Just don't use your chapstick for other things afterward.
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P.S. If you haven't filled out the sheets poll yet, please do! Time is running out.

How I accidentally asked a strange man to spend the night

The other day Sea, her relatively new boyfriend Krikey, and I were kickin' it at the house playing some cards (I lost terribly!), and eating a life changing treat. As a side note: the life changing treat is one that my previous roommate Bamba and I came up with. We'd layer Moosetracks ice cream, Double Stuff Fudgee-o's, and Reece's hardening sauce. It's to die for. Whatever, Fairweather, and I perfected it in a cup. I haven't met anyone who doesn't like it. I think I'd judge them if they didn't.

Anyway, back to my story: Sea got up to go to the washroom and it occurred to me that Krikey might wake up earlier than Sea and me. So, I let him know that we keep the cereal above the stove and that he could help himself in the morning. His eyes got huge, his back straightened, and his muscles tightened. What, was the guy too cool to help himself out? Er... nope. Turns out that my sister hadn't invited him to stay the night. Awkward. He said they weren't at the bring-your-tooth-brush stage of their relationship yet. Oh. Whoops. What do you say after that?! "Well, at least you know where we keep our cereal." Yep.

Pansies are at least beautiful

I woke up to ice on the *inside* of my bedroom window. It felt like an 1800's time warp. I imagined myself as Susanna Moody (minus the wolves of course).

Sea thinks I'm a pansy. She made fun of me for wearing my snow boots when there was only an inch of snow. I didn't think it was unreasonable; However, it became the big joke. I thought I was tough stuff for even "braving" the snow, Victoria goes into lock down only a few inches.

People here are hard asses. No one complains much about the snow. They carry on about their daily lives: go to work, get groceries (imagine pushing a shopping cart through a foot of snow), and meet people for dinner. The schools don't even close unless it's minus 38. Minus thirty frickin' eight! That's nuts. Imagine walking to school like that. People also plug their cars in to warm up. Isn't that crazy? Maybe I am a bit of a pansy.

Gosh and Santa would be jealous

Currently Sea and I have eight boxes of cookies in the cupboard. When did we become the girls with eight boxes of cookies?!

Flashback Memory Friday: The ultimate in grossness

Two weeks ago, Ricky Bobby, Birthday Girl, Glitter, and I went bowling. They mocked my germophobia and licked my ice cream when I wasn't there. I was so not impressed, not a fan of people messing with my food. I was going to throw it out, but Ricky ate it. After that, I kept my cup of water in my hand at all times. Yep, even took it when it was my time to bowl. Got a spare.

After receiving countless jeers and sarcastic comments I took a swig of my water, held it in my mouth, then spat back it into my empty cup. "Ricky, you too manly or germophobic to drink this? Ooh Mr.-can-dish-it-but-can't-take-it eh?" Heh heh heh. Pretty funny until he snatched the cup from my hand and shot it back like he was doing a round. Warm, slimy, backwash. Shudder.

How Safeway reminded me of how selfish I can be

Had a moment in the grocery store. Actually, two of them. I was in the line getting pissed off because the lady two people ahead of me (lady #1) was taking so long. Could the cashier go any slower? I was tired. Dizzy. Congested. Friggin' hurry up already. What a waste of time, I definitely should have been in the other line.

Moment Number One:
As lady #1 took one of her four loaded grocery carts to the parking lot, the lady just ahead of me (lady #2) commented to the cashier that lady #1 had quite a few carts. The cashier gleefully replied that they were for seniors in need, and that lady #1 went out of her way to do this every week. "Bless her heart!" Wow Heidi, way to be a jerk, at least you can buy your own groceries. When was the last time you did something for someone in need?

While pondering my selfish nature and how I needed to work on it, along came Moment Number Two:
Enter lady #3 (aka "little old granny"). She busted out her Ziploc bag of carefully clipped coupons. Joyfully, she offered me one for my bag of rolled oats (for baking). Frantically she flipped through the stack and lamented that she may have used it already. "Shoot, it was for 75 cents too!" At this point she raised her eyebrows expectantly at the value she was willing to part with. How thoughtful was that? How willing am I to part with the things I value?
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P.S. If you run out of milk and wonder what a Chunks Ahoy cookie would taste like dipped in Coca Cola... it's gross. Don't do it.

Special ways of sleeping

Special lives in Edmonton, which is a three hour drive away (longer if the roads are icy), so if he comes to visit, he usually stays the night. Sea has a comfy, yellow, floral sofa and a matching arm chair, so guests usually end up sleeping on the sofa bed. Well, except for Special. He usually falls asleep in the arm chair. Picture six feet and four inches of gangle. Now picture that draped over a chair. That's Special.

I timed him once. It takes him precisely ten minutes and twenty seven seconds to fall asleep. You can tell he's asleep because his jaw drops and he makes that slow nasally sound. Once he's asleep, he's fair game. One of the first times he crashed, I stuck my stuffed bunny (not that I sleep with one...) under his neck so it looked like he was sleeping with it. Yeah, I took a picture. Another time I devised a plan to put mousse in his hand and then tickle his face. Black said that was going too far.

Anyway, this weekend, Special and Lucky both stayed over: Lucky took the couch and Special claimed the chair (incase Lucky would fight him for it?). After tossing and turning (again, picture that in the chair), Special thudded to the floor. This didn't wake him up. So... being the good friend that I am, I decided to tape around his body with green painters tape (thanks for helping Lucky!). When we were finished, it looked like a crime scene. Mocha would be proud.

Heh heh.

Cheapskate Tuesday: Vocombulous ways of getting imaginary quarters

Lucky, Special, and I play a game for quarters. We never actually collect them or keep track, but it's a lot of fun. We try to insert uncommon or upper level vocabulary into conversation. If it is smooth and impressive, then we "give" whoever's speaking the quarter. I tricked Lucky into "giving"me a quarter by using a word that Taco and I created last year. Vocombulous. It means sneaky or sly. I've used it a couple of times and no one asks what it means.
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*At some point there is a really juicy Confession Tuesday coming up...